In every relationship that God has given to us, our mission is to be an ambassador of Christ’s love. This purpose for relationships is underlined throughout Scripture. Jesus said in John 13:35, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Later in the New Testament Paul writes in 1 Timothy 1:5, “the aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.” The purpose and the ultimate goal of all our relationships is to demonstrate our Savior’s love to one another. When that is the great aim of our relationships, it makes even the most mundane moments meaningful, because every moment will either proclaim Christ or hide him.
When we lose sight of this gospel purpose, not only do our relationships shift away from reflecting Christ’s love, but instead they become centered on self-love. When left unchecked, this selfishness can grow to the point where one’s own desires become the primary focus, demanding total allegiance from others in the home. When the desires of one person dominate the household, creating fear and punishing those who don’t comply, we call this abuse—a form of unrepentant self-love.
While modern culture may glorify self-love, Scripture warns against those who are “lovers of self” (2 Timothy 3:2). A self-centered approach to relationships focuses on getting rather than giving, manipulating rather than serving. This stands in stark contrast to the way Christ used his power in relationships.
In Mark 10:42–45, Jesus contrasts the selfish use of power with a selfless, servant-hearted approach:
And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Jesus is our perfect example of how to use power with love and humility. He didn’t use his power to dominate but to serve, constantly giving of himself and shepherding us gently. Even when we fail to appreciate his love, he continues to serve us.
When you feel wronged in a relationship, can you imagine reaching into your gospel tool belt and thinking, what have I received from my Lord in the gospel that most fits this moment? How can I use my resources and capacities to demonstrate the heart of Christ in my child’s life or my friend’s life or my spouse’s life? Is this a moment for compassion, for gentleness, for forgiveness, for mercy? This way of relating may seem radical, even impossible, but because Christ lives in us, we have the power to display God’s love—even in the most challenging circumstances. By doing so, we use our power to lift others up rather than to shame or condemn them.
If you find this difficult to practice, start by taking an inventory of the advantages you have in your relationships and consider how you are using those advantages. Jesus, who has all the power in the universe, used his power to serve and seek our good. We are called to do the same in our relationships.
For example, in my relationship with my wife, I have several advantages: I’m taller, stronger, and have more theological training. I am the primary breadwinner and serve as a pastor at her church, giving me influence over her community. If my goal were to win in any argument, I could easily leverage these advantages. But that would be contrary to Christ’s example. Instead, I must regularly discuss with my accountability partners and my wife how I’m using my advantages to serve her, rather than dominate. It’s also crucial that she has trusted friends she can turn to about my sins, so she doesn’t feel isolated or burdened by them alone.
For every advantage I have, I need a clear plan to ensure I am using it to serve my wife, following Christ’s example of making himself nothing to seek our highest good (Philippians 2:7). This practice isn’t just for marriage—it applies to all of our relationships.
Take a moment to reflect on your closest relationships and ask: What kingdom am I seeking? Is it a kingdom that reflects Christ’s love, or one that focuses on my self-interests? How can I serve with love to lead us toward Christ? This question is essential for all of our relationships, but especially for those relationships in which we have influence or authority. By imitating Christ, we use our power not for selfish gain, but to lift others up and display the love of God in every interaction.
Whether you struggle with the sin of abuse, counsel those with abusive behavior, or simply would like to grow in using your advantages to serve others, here is a worksheet from our counseling ministry to help: Advantage Inventory.
Uncovering Domestic Abuse
You may be surprised to learn how prevalent domestic abuse really is, even within your church community. Sadly, because spousal abuse pervades every pocket of society, the statistical reality is that we all have people in our church who have suffered as victims of violence within the home. How can the church recognize when a member is caught in this type of situation and step in to help?
