When thinking about dating and marriage, you’ve likely asked, “How do I find the one?” This is a deep question. You could seek to answer this question from several angles: a theological understanding of God’s will or a practical consideration of whether to post an online dating profile, attend a Bible study, or look for a singles group. My interest here is to consider the relational value of this question.
You have seen that marriage can be a wonderful experience or a difficult one. You can point to specific good and poor illustrations. Maybe you have a mentor couple in your life who genuinely appreciates each other and demonstrates a joy-filled partnership with their lives. Or maybe you’ve watched your parents coexist and live with a cease-fire agreement rather than a joyful weaving of their lives together. You want nothing to do with that. At the same time, you have also witnessed friends and family members who extol the joys of marriage. You deeply desire to experience this relational connection with another person. You want to know, “How do I find the one?”
Let me first thank you for admitting that you are asking such a vulnerable question. I appreciate that you want to approach dating with wisdom and thoughtfulness. Here are four truths to get started.
Truth #1: Trust that God created marriage to be good.
I know that some are disillusioned about marriage, but marriage is God’s beautiful idea. Genesis 2:24–25 sets the stage:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Wasn’t the Lord so kind to provide us with genuine companionship? Adam did not initially realize that he was alone. God made Eve to be the perfect partner to take dominion of their slice of the world and populate it. He shows us that leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh is a special covenant relationship that has no rival on earth. When Stephanie and I married thirty-three years ago, I could not have imagined the blessings that would come. We have celebrated joys and grieved losses together. The Lord gave us three children and two in-law children, all of whom live close to us and with whom we enjoy a close relationship. The Lord allowed my wife and I to partner together in ministry, each contributing something valuable to make a difference for Christ. Our marriage has been a gracious and wonderful gift.
The presence of bad examples of marriage should not dissuade you from pursuing this good gift of God. Men and women have rejected the Lord’s gracious gifts from the beginning, and rebellion produces misery. But when we get a vision for what God created as good and prayerfully pursue it, we can be encouraged that we want something that God has blessed.
My wife shared with me a funny meme she saw online. It said, “Can you please pray for my husband, he is having trouble finding me.” That statement reflects hope that someone is there and believe that God created something wonderful.
Truth #2: Embrace God’s plan for marriage.
Scripture explains how men and women are to function in marriage. When husbands and wives work together as God designed, their relationship is like a glorious dance. He leads and she shines. Genesis 2:25 gives us a picture of safety and security. Neither Adam nor Eve were ashamed. Both were open and vulnerable. It is only their later sin that distorted the image and made the dance chaotic.
Read Ephesians 5:22–33, Colossians 3:1–17, and 1 Peter 2:21–3:7 for a deeper dive into God’s heart for marriage. This will help you know what to look for in a spouse. If you are a single woman, look for the men who show the maturity and character associated with the husbandly role. If you are a single man, look for women who want to be what Jesus describes.
The more you read and think carefully about God’s plan, the more you will be ready to embrace it. At the same time, knowing both roles well will give you opportunity to evaluate a prospective spouse. Pay close attention to those who are running after the Lord and seeking to deepen their relationship with him. Every element of a healthy marriage flows out of a primary relationship with Jesus.
Truth #3: Respond to Jesus’s work in your life.
We can be assured that the Lord is working in the lives of his children. Philippians 1:6 reminds us,
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
We all need growth. Since we know that the Lord is working in our life all the way until the day of Christ, we must embrace that process of change as we continue to walk with the Lord. Respond to the Lord’s conviction through repentance and change. Respond to the Lord’s encouragement with joy. Respond to the Lord’s commands with obedience.
If we are asking the Lord to grant us a spouse with good Christian character, then we must also exhibit that same character. Those who genuinely want to live for the Lord are not interested in those who are not living for Jesus. I have heard some singles complain about the lack of quality people of the opposite sex. Sometimes that is true. Other times they were passed over because they themselves did not exhibit the character and love for God that would have resonated with the people they desired a relationship with. Respond to Jesus’s work in your life, and know that becoming like him is his goal for you (Romans 8:28–29).
Truth #4: Trust that God has a plan.
When we’re not sure what God is doing in our lives, Proverbs 3:5–6 encourages us to come to the Lord in trust:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
The Lord is actively working in you and in the world. We cannot always understand what he allows in our lives, but we can acknowledge him with every step we take. When we trust, then he will direct us. Psalm 139 tells us that he knows all our days before we live one of them. He knows when we sit and lie down. He knows our thoughts and our motives. He knows how to perfectly move us in the direction he desires. That is good and hopeful because he is good. We can trust him because he is full of lovingkindness, compassion, and grace.
I cannot promise that if you live out these four truths that “the one” will suddenly appear. But the Lord promises that he will make you more like Jesus and deepen your joy in him as you prayerfully seek him. At the same time, you will be ready and able to date with your eyes focused on the right place ready should he bring “the one” into your path. The giver of good gifts know just what he has planned for you, and you can know he will faithfully direct your path as you keep your gaze on him.
Are We Ready for the Ring?
Are We Ready for the Ring? helps couples evaluate whether they should move toward engagement, wait to make a decision, or step away from the relationship. With real-life stories, relevant Scripture, and heart-probing questions, this book encourages couples to look beyond emotions and consider the foundations essential for a Christ-honoring marriage. Rob Green equips dating couples with the biblical wisdom, honest reflection, and practical tools they need before deciding to take the life-changing step toward engagement.
