The Christian life flows from the radical idea that the only way to find true life is by laying your life down for others. God exalts us when we make ourselves low, he empowers us when we serve. In Sex and Self-Forgetfulness: Honoring Each Other in Marriage, Doug Hanna takes this principle and applies it to marriage, helping couples gain a biblical understanding of the joys of intimacy on their way to building a more mutually satisfying relationship.
Sex and Self-Forgetfulness is divided into three parts to help couples understand God’s design for sex, respond to sexual brokenness, and pursue satisfaction. It challenges common cultural misconceptions about sex and offers guidance for overcoming sexual sin. It is applicable for both newlyweds and couples who have been married for years. Engaged couples, pastors, and counselors will also benefit from this clear, Christ-centered and practical resource.
In this interview, we dive deeper into the topic with Doug.
Q: The very first chapter of your book is a good place to start this interview—why is talking about sex hard? What advice do you have for couples who feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about their marital intimacy, especially as they start to read this book?
Sex (and talking about it) comes with some inherent vulnerabilities. We are far removed from the Garden, when Adam and Eve could be “naked and unashamed.” We approach sex as broken people in a broken world. If talking about sex is challenging, even within the confines of your marriage, you aren’t “extra broken” or “super sinful,” you’re simply living within a fallen world.
If talking about sex feels awkward, work to keep your conversations honest, patient, and biblically grounded. In any relationship, patience is always our guiding principle (1 Thessalonians 5:14). If you or your spouse is uncomfortable, then stop the conversation. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, so we don’t have to rush or force conversations. You won’t fix your marriage with one conversation, so take your time. While patience is our guiding principle, Scripture is our ultimate foundation. Often, we feel awkward talking about sex because we’ve imbibed some wrong ideas about what sex is (for example, it’s gross). The Bible confronts our wrong thinking about sex and helps us to renew our minds to see the beauty of sex as a good gift from a good God.
Q: You believe that there are Christian books on the topic of marital intimacy out there that get sex right, but marriage wrong, and others that get marriage right, but sex wrong. What do you mean by that, and how did those books inspire you to write Sex and Self-Forgetfulness?
For decades, the majority of Christian books written about marriage have promoted wrong ideas about sex (such as it’s primarily for men and that wives have an obligation to it) that have borne bad fruit in the lives of countless churches and marriages. In recent years, a number of Christian books, speakers, and podcasts have begun to clearly confront these wrong ideas and portray a more biblical picture of what sex is. Unfortunately, some of them have also compromised God’s design for other aspects of marriage.
I think the best example of that compromise is gender roles in marriage. Some books have argued that a husband’s leading and a wife’s submitting as God has commanded in Scripture (Ephesians 5) is incompatible with great sex. I agree that abuses of those roles (which I believe are extremely common) are incompatible with great sex, but a husband who lives out God’s design for marriage in every area of his home, including the bedroom, can bring his wife great sexual pleasure.
I was also seeing a lot of confusion about sex as a pastor and marriage counselor. Young married people that had been surrounded by harmful teaching about sex from both the church and the world were struggling to achieve unifying and pleasurable intimacy in sex. I wanted to write a book that advocated God’s design for sex as a mutually pleasurable encounter, upheld God’s design for marriage as a one flesh union of one man (who leads like Jesus) and one woman (who submits) for one lifetime, and was accessible for people who didn’t like to read. The result is Sex and Self-Forgetfulness.
Q: What exactly is self-forgetfulness? How does your book on sex specifically point towards Christ?
Jesus consistently described the Christian life in counter-intuitive ways. We find true life when we lay our lives down for others. We gain true flourishing (in marriage and every area of our lives) by walking the path of self-forgetfulness—forgetting our own rights and wants to serve others. That’s the Christian’s life ethic. My book aims to apply the broader concept of self-forgetfulness to a specific area of sex within marriage.
This ethic of living is rooted in Christ, who is our example of self-forgetfulness. He laid down his life on a cross for our salvation. Christ is also the savior who makes self-forgetfulness possible. Because he has raised us up from the grave with him, we are already living eternal, abundant life. We are freed to lay down our lives in this world because we have a better inheritance and higher pleasure in the next world.
I want to be clear that I am not trying to describe our relationship with Christ with sexual language or sexual overtones, as other books have done; instead, I want us to take Jesus’ (non-sexual) example and Jesus’ empowerment for a life of self-forgetfulness and apply that to sex within marriage.
Q: What are some of the misconceptions about sex that you address in the book? Why are these beliefs dangerous?
I tried to address a wide variety of sexual hangups and misconceptions from a biblical perspective, including
- One-sided sex
- Pornography
- Consent is optional
- Spontaneity is sexier
- A married Christian should always be able to expect sex from their spouse anytime
One of the misconceptions about sex that I’m most concerned about is what I call “Sex-is-for-men” theology. This teaching usually comes with four basic ideas:
- Men want sex more than women.
- Men have a certain amount of sexual desire (called a sex drive or a libido) that must be released.
- If that sexual desire is not released, the man will inevitably sin sexually through his choice of means.
- Therefore, wives have a responsibility to make their husbands orgasm regularly to prevent them from sinning sexually.
In the book, I outline four reasons these beliefs are so dangerously wrong: they are factually inaccurate, ethically dangerous, sexually disastrous, and theologically deadly. After finishing the book, I thought of a fifth reason this theology is so wicked: it’s inconsistent logically. “Sex-is-for-men” theology often comes from teachers who (often rightly) call for men to “man up” and take responsibility for their actions and their homes. “Sex-is-for-men” theology, instead of demanding that men take responsibility, puts the onus for a man avoiding sexual sin on his wife. Let’s not allow men to compromise. Let’s call them to put off sin, put on righteousness, and serve their wives (in bed and everywhere else) like Jesus serves us.
Q: Was Sex and Self-Forgetfulness written for young married couples or is it also applicable for those who have been married for a number of years?
Because the book is rooted in the Bible’s teaching about sex, rather than responding to felt needs for a particular season of life and marriage, it has something for you, no matter how long you’ve been married.
If your marriage is struggling, I pray that Sex and Self-Forgetfulness will help you find the support that you need to gain a better understanding of God’s design for sex.
If your marriage is coasting or plateaued, I pray that Sex and Self-Forgetfulness will help you find “that spark” again by cultivating open and honest conversations about sex on the foundation of God’s Word.
If your marriage is thriving, I pray that Sex and Self-Forgetfulness will help you continue to level up by giving you new areas of sexual intimacy to explore.
Q: How can couples use the LAPS framework to improve their relationship?
LAPS is the four crucial components to a healthy, self-forgetful sexual relationship within marriage.
Self-forgetful sex is a lifestyle. Sex never takes place in a vacuum; it is built on the foundation of selfless service in other areas of our marriage. If you aren’t serving your spouse in the living room and the kitchen, you aren’t going to serve them in the bedroom. We seek to serve our spouses everywhere, fostering the kind of intimacy that makes great sex possible. You won’t have heat in your bedroom without warmth in your marriage.
Self-forgetful sex is an attitude. We must really believe that sex is for our spouse and we can make it wonderful for them. We must adopt the humble attitude of Christ who came not to be served, but to serve. We should do nothing out of selfish ambition (not even in sex), but in humility, consider our spouse more significant than ourselves.
Self-forgetful sex is patient. We are patient with our spouse, no matter what sexual hangups and brokenness they bring into marriage. We are patient with ourselves, taking the time to learn our spouse’s body and preferences. We are patient in each encounter, taking our time to serve our spouse without rushing or pressuring them.
Self-forgetful sex is seeking pleasure for your spouse! Sex should be wonderful for your spouse. Sex is a good gift from God. It’s up to you for your spouse to experience that good gift. Serve them well by communicating openly and honestly and laying down your rights. That’s where real joy in sex is found.
Q: How does serving your spouse turn into a mutually satisfying experience for both of you?
I have a biblical answer and a biological answer for this.
The biblical answer is that the New Testament consistently promises that we find real life and true flourishing when we lay our lives down. Jesus taught, “Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it” (Luke 17:33). Resurrection life comes on the other side of a cross. In the counterintuitive way of our crucified King, sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way.
The biological answer confirms the biblical answer. When women only have sex because they feel they “have to” (which is unfortunately common in Christian marriages), it’s not going to be a pleasurable experience for them. However, seeking the sexual pleasure of the woman first will make sex more wonderful. When a woman is sexually aroused before penetration, her body releases natural lubricants, hormones, and neurotransmitters that make intercourse more pleasurable for both parties.
Q: What are some practical ways to cultivate self-forgetfulness in marriage?
The first step is making a habit of open conversation. You cannot serve your spouse if you don’t know what’s going on in their life. Listen well and act on what you hear.
In the book, I suggest couples make a routine of asking certain questions to facilitate open communication, honest feedback, and humbly seeking out opportunities to serve. Every day, ask your spouse, “What can I take off your plate today?” Every week, ask your spouse, “What burdens did you have this week that I could have helped with? Did I do (or not do) anything this week that frustrated you?” Every month, ask your spouse, “What areas of sin in my life are most impacting you right now?”
Q: You devote a third of the book to sexual sin and brokenness. How can couples begin to heal from these issues?
Couples need to talk about sexual sin and suffering patiently, openly, carefully, and in community. These are big issues that aren’t going to be solved quickly.
Everyone needs to respond to their own sexual sin by confessing (taking responsibility, recognizing that you alone are responsible for your sins), taking radical steps towards purity (not because behavior change can save you, but because it’s crucial for rebuilding trust with your spouse and forming new habits), and living a trustworthy life. Trust is earned, not demanded. We rebuild it with the slow work of living in a trustworthy manner.
Q: How has the process or writing this book strengthened your own marriage?
This is a difficult question to answer, because I’ve been developing and writing this material for four years. I gave a talk called “Sex and Self-Forgetfulness” at a marriage conference in 2022 that laid the foundation for the book. In some ways, the book, my marriage, and my ministry as a pastor and counselor have had a symbiotic relationship, feeding off one another in some wonderful ways.
One of the most enjoyable parts of the writing process was doing a deep dive on the Song of Songs. I fell in love with this often-neglected book of the Bible and came to believe that it really might be “the best of all songs.” Studying the Song and seeing its example of a joy-filled marriage cultivated a lot of gratitude in me for marriage and my wife.
Q: How can Sex and Self-Forgetfulness be used in churches, small groups, or counseling settings?
Churches and small groups using Sex and Self-Forgetfulness will go a long way in making conversations about sex less awkward. We can’t afford to neglect discipling our churches in this area; we need to equip the marriages in our flocks to approach sex in a biblical, wonderful, and mutual way.
In counseling contexts, the book can be a powerful tool to help couples have more productive conversations about sex. I’ve given the material to couples I’m counseling and assigned specific chapters and discussion questions as homework before our next meeting. The book will also be a helpful component to a premarital counseling process.
Q: If readers only walk away with one single thing from reading your book, what do you hope that is?
In the counterintuitive way of our crucified king, sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way.
Sex and Self-Forgetfulness
Sex and Self-Forgetfulness helps couples gain a biblical understanding of the joys of intimacy on their way to building a more mutually satisfying marriage. Doug Hanna shares that the secret to the Christian life—where you find true life by laying down your life for others—is also the secret to mutually satisfying intimacy. Couples will explore Scripture together to discover that real joy comes from thinking less of yourself and more of your spouse.
