It’s become a seasonal joke for our family—that time my mom sarcastically wailed in a fit of frustration at Christmas, “We’re all so merry . . . merry, merry, merry!” Although it wasn’t funny in the moment, my mom, brothers, and I can look back and laugh about it today. What’s more, I can sympathize. As a married mother of three myself, I know that merry moods can be hard to come by during “the most wonderful time of the year.”
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for the holidays to be very unmerry for some families. If this describes where you find yourself today, know you’re not the only one. There have been times when I’ve wanted to feel “merry, merry, merry!” instead of absolutely miserable. I’ve wept with grief over the empty chair at the Thanksgiving dinner, and I’ve sobbed with disappointment due to festive gatherings being dampened by tensions and trials. No, you’re not alone in your longing for peace. There are others who feel sad, stressed, and miserable this year.
While the reasons for these seasonal struggles will vary from family to family, the need to depend on God’s sustaining grace remains the same. Thankfully, he doesn’t begrudge your neediness but welcomes it wholeheartedly (Isaiah 55:1–3)! God knows that holidays can be hard days—that you can only endure them if he daily bears you up (Psalm 68:19). Here are three specific ways that God ministers his grace to you during your unmerry holiday.
God’s Grace for Mom’s Grief
One of the notions you may wrestle with this holiday is that it shouldn’t be hard for you or your family—that your grief shouldn’t hurt so badly, or that your difficulties shouldn’t overwhelm you as much as they do. As a result, you might try to manufacture a merry mood to mask the heartbreak of strained relationships, recent loss, or troubled finances. This facade is not sustainable, however. A heart full of sorrow needs to be heard by a sympathetic ear. Grief tends to despair when unduly silenced.
God does not expect you to stifle your sadness come November and December. His ear wants to hear your heart year-round. As Darby Strickland writes in Helping Your Family Grieve,
He does not want you to deny the difficulties or hide your sadness and tears. God wants to tend to your sorrow. Our Lord is faithful. He promises to be with us in our suffering and give us the grace we need to endure (Deuteronomy 31:8).
Engaging God with your grief is how his grace meets you in your need (Hebrews 4:16). Christlike endurance won’t come through your pretense, but through pouring out your heart to the Father in prayer while you wait on his promise to set things right (Psalm 62:8). Let the Lord tend to your sadness in the coming weeks (Psalm 34:18). Your authentic fellowship with Jesus will be a source of comfort and courage for you.
God’s Grace for Mom’s Guilt
Spoiler alert: an unmerry holiday can squeeze unrighteous responses from your heart. The reality is you’re more likely to sin in word, thought, and deed on the days you feel stretched beyond your embodied limits. In this way, the holidays can serve as a humbling reminder of your humanity. What mother is merry when she reaches the end of herself—or feels like a total failure?
The Spirit’s conviction over true guilt is a gift of grace to embrace. You’re invited to confess, repent, and enjoy God’s forgiveness as a debt-free daughter in Christ! But sometimes it’s your sense of false guilt that steals your joy in Jesus. Mortal limits are not moral deficiencies, however. As Lauren Whitman explains in When Parents Feel like Failures,
When we feel the churn of false guilt because we know we are weak and limited, when we see that we have failed again to live up to certain standards, Jesus quiets that churn by saying, “My grace is sufficient for you.” This is a truly unexpected message. . . . There’s no accusation or condemnation.
This holiday season, you needn’t carry false guilt for being made of dust (Psalm 103:14). Jesus is not ashamed to welcome you in both your failure and your weakness (Hebrews 2:11). He knows how much grace you need and is more than glad to give it (James 4:6). Lean on his strength and rest in his righteousness today (2 Corinthians 5:21, 12:9–10).
God’s Grace for Mom’s Stress
Not every unmerry holiday is the result of grief or guilt. Sometimes it’s stress that takes a mother down in December. And while there can be any number of contributing factors, the pursuit of the picture-perfect holiday is a common one among moms. God knows how much I used to pressure myself to create whimsical Christmas moments for our family! But when my experience of merriment became affixed to that goal, I’d refuse to rest until I reached it. Stress, exhaustion, and (regrettably) emotional outbursts ensued. I was all mess—not merry.
Do you also feel the tug of perfectionism on your heart this holiday season? Does your merriment rise when you’re meeting your standards—and fall when you’re not? Unlike Christ, you’re neither a merciful master nor judge, and sometimes seasonal stress serves to prove that reality. In I’m Stressed, Eliza Huie helpfully observes,
Besides being a source of stress, a perfectionist mindset also pulls you away from the life that the Lord desires for you. Perfectionism essentially causes you to be your own judge and justifier. You must always work to maintain the highest standard and to measure up in the best possible way. But this mindset is opposite of the gospel which affirms we all fall short, but we are justified by God’s grace, not by our work (Romans 3:23–24).
As it happens, chasing after ideals is far too expensive when the price is your peace in Jesus. Similarly, God’s grace was far too costly in Christ for you to fall away from it at Christmastime (Galatians 5:22). Let yourself rest by trading your pursuit of the picture-perfect holiday for the pursuit of “the kingdom of God and his righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). God’s grace will give you everything you need to bless your family with love. That’s the only standard he sets before you this and every season (Galatians 5:14).
Help for the Holidays
As you navigate the weeks ahead, don’t lose heart. Let every sad, stressed, and guilt-laden moment become an occasion to lean on God’s grace all the more. It’s true that unmerry holidays are hard on moms—and sometimes we need extra help on our journey. If you find yourself in need of encouragement this year, the following video recording is for you. Join authors Darby Strickland, Lauren Whitman, Eliza Huie, and me as we host a compassionate conversation for moms who are sad or stressed during the holidays. During this livestream replay, we consider how moms might navigate emotions, manage expectations, and stay spiritually nourished during this time of year.
