Why Romans 12 Without Romans 13 Endangers Those in Destructive Relationships

It is easy for us to think that the Bible was written as theological thought-units. We might mistakenly read the Gospel of Mark as a series of micro-stories instead of one big story, or Romans as a series of devotional thoughts instead of a unified letter. Sometimes the impact of this challenge can be relatively inconsequential, but other times it can result in seemingly faith-filled choices that put lives at risk.

This might seem like hyperbole. But let’s look at Romans 12 and consider what it would be like to apply this passage to a destructive relationship without Romans 13. As you read the end of Romans 12, imagine yourself as a child with an abusive mother, a wife with an abusive husband, or a parent of a drug-addicted young adult who is increasingly disrupting the stability of your home.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Romans 12:14–21

We read this passage and are challenged to be exceedingly gracious. We might be prone to believe that forbearance and tolerance are our only godly options. We could easily be tempted to read this passage as a promise that if we are kind enough that God will use our kindness to awaken our loved one to their destructive ways and cause them to desire to change.

We would probably ask, “Are these our only biblical options for responding to destructive relationships? Does there ever come a point where God would encourage us to be more assertive or self-protective?” If stop at the end of Romans 12, it feels like the only proper Christian response to abuse, addiction, and other forms of mistreatment is passivity. We would be left to wonder if God viewed self-protection as selfishness.

This is why it is vital to realize Paul was writing a letter and not a daily devotional. As modern readers, we are prone to stop at chapter divisions or when we see a new header in the text. But we need to realize that this is one whole continuous message (letter) and there was only a dip of Paul’s writing quill between Romans 12:21 and Romans 13:1.

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.… For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority?

Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer.”

Romans 13:1–4

Paul’s next words after Romans 12 were, “God has placed the civil authorities over our lives to be an expression of his hand or protection.” How does this connect to responding to abusive behavior? It means a battered wife can get a restraining order without violating Romans 12. It means it is not unforgiving or punitive for Christians to call Child Protective Services if they suspect a child is being harmed or neglected. It means incarceration may be an act of grace in the life of an addicted loved one.

If we allow ourselves to read the Bible theological thought-unit by theological thought-unit, we think the end of Romans 12 is about intense conflict and the beginning of Romans 13 is merely about obeying traffic laws.

My concern is that most Christians are more familiar with Romans 12 when it comes to conflict and miss the application of Romans 13 when conflict transitions from a personal offense to a legal offense. We read Romans 12 and think of harsh interpersonal conflict. We read Romans 13 and think about obeying speed limits and paying our taxes. If we read these passages this way, Paul’s logic seems random and staccato, but if he were only writing an ancient version of My Utmost for His Highest (a popular daily devotional guide), then there is no reason to expect page 13 to be a continuation of page 12.

To read God’s Word well, we need to realize Romans 13 is the next thought that completes Paul’s reasoning as he finished writing Romans 12. That is how letters work. One paragraph builds on the next.

In light of this truth, how should we read Romans 12 and 13?

  • Romans 12 is God’s instruction for deescalating destructive conflict. These instructions are wise because they (a) place the reader in the least danger possible, (b) protect the reader’s character from mirroring the aggressive person, and (c) provide optimal opportunity of the aggressor to see the sinfulness of their actions. Fighting back—physically or emotionally—escalates the encounter and creates confusion about who is at fault.
  • Romans 13 is God’s civil instruction to ensure that Romans 12 does not allow abuse to go unpunished and to keep the abused person from being unprotected.

In effect, God is saying “Don’t make a bad situation worse by responding in kind with a destructive person (Romans 12),” and, “If you need to, get a restraining order, so that the destructive person does not falsely assume that might makes right (Romans 13).”

My hope is that after reading this reflection you realize that sometimes interpreting a passage in context not only keeps us away from heresy (super important), but it can even save lives. Let’s humbly examine our counsel to one another and seek to keep the whole context in view as we share the principles of God’s Word with others.


Navigating Destructive Relationships Frontcover

Navigating Destructive Relationships

All relationships disappoint us from time to time. But some relationships are destructive, especially those marked by addiction, abuse, and/or life-dominating problems. Navigating Destructive Relationships, a support group curriculum, provides you with a safe and stable place where you can name what’s going on and turn toward God. You are not alone. God sees and cares for your suffering.

About the author

Brad Hambrick

Brad Hambrick, ThM, EdD, serves as the Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, NC. He also serves as Assistant Professor of Biblical Counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, a council member of the Biblical Counseling Coalition, and has authored several books including Making Sense of Forgiveness, Angry with God, and served as general editor for the Becoming a Church that Cares Well for the Abused curriculum. He is also the author of the minibook Building a Marriage to Last: Five Essential Habits for Couples.

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