Thinking Through Bullying With Your Child

The language of bullying is used in media, movies, and in the classroom. As a parent, you are understandably concerned and want to better prepare your children. When your child comes home and tells you that they were mistreated or saw mistreatment toward someone else, you may be asking yourself if this the beginning stages of bullying, an act of unkindness, or a more serious pattern of behavior.

The Bible speaks directly about the behaviors of bullying: foolish or crude talk (Ephesians 5:4) cruelty, unkindness (2 Timothy 3:3) mockery (Proverbs 17:5), and even physical harm (Psalm 10:7–15).  Intimidation, preying upon those who are vulnerable or weaker—all are seen as sinful, even wicked (Proverbs 14:31). Scripture speaks boldly about letting nothing unwholesome or corrupt coming out of our mouths, but only what edifies or builds up others (Ephesians 4:29).

This sends a clear message not only to the gravity and harm of such things; it also speaks to the need to stand up for those who cannot do so for themselves. Harm comes when vulnerable people are targeted, and when cruel people are allowed to continue in their cruelty.

There are times when a wise response may be turning the other cheek and ignoring behavior because it will dissipate if left alone. When Jesus spoke of “turning the other cheek”(Matthew 5:38–42), he is teaching us to not to give tit for tat—to not return an offense with an offence. Teach your children that when they are mistreated, it is wrong to try to even the score. This is hard when we want justice, but we need our kids to trust that it is God’s place to avenge; we are not to repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17). There are also times when a wise response is to get help to protect themselves or someone else who is vulnerable.

Parenting requires a great deal of wisdom, and even more when we see our child struggling. We are swimming in a sea of online information, resources, and experts; many have good advice and practical helps. However, even in the sea of information, there will be varying opinions and sometimes opposing input. Where do you go for help?

James 1:5 tells us where to begin, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” When we don’t know what to do or where to turn for guidance, we told God will not just give wisdom, but give it generously.

One of the most fundamental things we can do for our children is to instill in them a confidence that value and worth comes from the Lord, not the world around them. Identity in Christ may sound abstract, but it hits at the core of the how young people treat each other.  

Worth must be deeply rooted in the truth that all individuals are fearfully and wonderfully made by their Creator (Psalm 139). Rather than trying to fit in and conform to the behaviors of those around them, it creates a posture of respect and deference that is shown to others. The burden to conform is endless. Our children deal with friends who say unkind things. They often feel judged by what they do or possess. They experience peer pressure that tells them how to dress, look, talk, or act. And of course, there is the pressure to cave into sinful behaviors to be accepted. The burden to conform is endless, informing both how the view themselves and how they are tempted to view others. The ability to feel at ease and content with how God made them, must be meaningful and foundational. It will be a refuge and a guide for them.

Kids also need a perspective to make sense out of why people are mistreated. They need to know that the problem with a bully lies in the behavior and character of the one doing the bullying, not in the one who is mistreated. The more they can lay responsibility at the feet on the one doing the bullying, the less they will allow it shape their view of themselves. It may still be hurtful, and they will still need to respond, but it will bring clarity as well as composure.  We do not need to know the mind of every bully, but we can understand the nature of it. Often bullying stems from insecurity, pride, anger, weakness, peer influence or mistreatment they have experienced. There are many reasons why someone would choose to bully others, but none of them are positive. The bully’s character is revealed when they mistreat others.

Parenting well prepares kids to notice behaviors for themselves and respond wisely in the heat of the moment. Whether it is something they have personally experienced or observed happening, encourage questions such as:

• What is happening?  What are you noticing?
• Is someone being mistreated?
• Do you or someone involved need support or help?
• What would be the loving thing to do?
• Does an adult need to get involved? Why?
• Who are the adults we can turn to for help?

Look for conflict situations you might observe in school, public areas, or even watching TV. Ask questions that push your child to evaluate and develop problem-solving skills. This develops in kids am ability to notice what is happening around them, as well as the wisdom to know how to respond.  It also helps you to know in what ways you need to continue to educate and encourage them.

We hope our kids never find themselves in situations of mistreatment, but it is far better to proactively equip them to know what to do, than to reactively take action after the fact. We serve our kids well when we give them the ability to discern good from evil, right from wrong, wise from foolish, morally vague or ambiguous to that which discerns God’s voice. Doing so will give them the resources they need to navigate hard things.

Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare. But whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Ultimately safety is in the hands of the Lord.

Establish a confidence in your child that the Lord cares for the afflicted and promises to enter into their struggles with them (Psalm 140:12).  A child with this perspective will be better prepared for the actions of another because they have been grounded in a biblical view of themselves and of others. It will be tested and challenged, and there will be moments of hardship, but they will thrive because they have been given the foundation and the resources to navigate mistreatment and intimidation.

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