The Hardest Part of Overcoming Addiction

There is nothing easy about overcoming an addiction. As we explore what would be the hardest part of this process, I want to be careful not to minimize other parts of the journey. But when you talk to people who were once slaves to substance abuse and are now experiencing significant freedom, a common refrain emerges when you ask: What was the hardest part of your journey?

Before I offer an answer to this question, take a moment to reflect. What is your best guess?

• Physical withdrawal symptoms
• Loneliness that comes from severing ties with friends who are also fellow addicts
• Figuring out what to do with the time formerly invested into the addiction
• Learning new, healthy forms of entertainment
• Managing the fallout of emotional and financial stresses caused by addiction

These are all real and all difficult factors. But they are often not the hardest. Actually, these challenge all come after what is commonly the hardest part of overcoming addiction.

So, what is the hardest part? Being honest. There is so much to be honest about when you’re overcoming addiction.

• You must be honest with yourself—acknowledge the problem is “that bad,” that you need help, that the idea that you “could quit if you wanted to” is a lie, that your friends and family were being compassionate when they brought concerns to you, etc.
• You must be honest with God—acknowledge that you desperately need his help, that his ways are better than your ways, that he isn’t “old fashioned” or “controlling” but liberating and life-giving, that it’s not good for you to try to overcome your struggle alone, etc.
• You must be honest with others—acknowledge that you have lied to them, that your actions have impacted their life, that they were right, and you refused to listen, that you need their help, that what you used to call “help” was enabling, etc.

Why Honesty Is So Hard

When it comes to something as monumental as overcoming addiction, it is often the guilt and shame that comes with being honest that most impedes our efforts to engage in the process of change. Our pride tempts us to turn a blind eye to what is obvious to anyone willing to look objectively at our life.

This where we wrestle with John 8:32: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” We desperately wish the inverse of this verse were not true: until you acknowledge the truth, you will remain enslaved. It is hard to admit that freedom begins with honesty about not yet being free.

This dilemma is one of the reasons that group-based counseling has been so effective in helping people find freedom from addiction. In a circle, men and women in the early stages of deciding whether they’re going to do the hard work of overcoming addiction get to see and admire the courage of others being honest. They can also see what recovery looks like in other people’s lives.

It could easily be argued that the most powerful part of an addiction group is not the curriculum, but the example of fellow strugglers wrestling with the same decision to be honest and move forward toward hope and change.

The Best Way to Help a Loved One

For those who have not experienced addiction, this is probably one of the most misunderstood parts of the experience. Most non-addicts think the answer to addiction is clear: stop drinking or using. They’re not wrong. The difficult part is being honest about the question that first needs to be asked to see why the answer is relevant. 

As we seek to come alongside our loved ones trapped in addiction, it serves us well to understand the hardest part of the struggle. It helps us not to rush to the answer when our loved one is still wrestling with the question: Do I really need to change? Is my struggle that bad?

We often grow frustrated when our loved one won’t embrace what seems obvious: they need to step away from their addictive habits. The fact that we’re right about this basic reality only emboldens our frustration and makes it clearer to our loved one how much we don’t get what is hardest for them. Arguments, silence, and distance inevitably ensue.

If you’ve found yourself in that catch-22 with a loved one, consider this approach. Look for a moment when they will at least partially acknowledge there is a problem. Those moments may be rare and are therefore precious. When one of these moments arises, start by affirming their courage to honestly entertain the question about whether they need to change. Thank them for the opportunity to be welcomed into this conversation.  

Then ask a question like this, “Which is harder for you right now: (a) determining whether your life would be better without your addiction or (b) mustering the courage to engage that question?” “A” is about whether they agree or disagree with the obvious answer. “B” is about whether they’re willing to ask the question.

Give them time to think. When they speak, listen. As long as they don’t get defensive, thank them again for their courage. The longer you can foster honesty in your loved one, the higher the likelihood they will engage in change.

When we understand that honesty is the hardest part of overcoming addiction, this approach makes more sense to us. Yes, there are a myriad of steps they need to take after this. But that shouldn’t cause us to rush our loved one through the first, intimidating step of being honest with God, self, and others.

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