One of the hardest tasks parents face is having to share the loss of a loved one with our children. In this post, I’ll explore how to approach this delicate conversation with honesty, faith, and compassion. We want to come alongside our children as they learn about loss. But in the moments after a loved one dies, our hearts are also gripped with sorrow. Our grief often hinders our ability to find the words to share such devastating news. We, too, are overwhelmed, and it is hard to know where to start and what to prioritize. Take to heart the Lord’s promise, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you” (Isaiah 41:10). You can rely on him to be your helper and comforter. What follows are suggestions to help you navigate telling your children about a death so that you feel equipped to lead your child through the early hours of grief.
Begin with prayer.
Take a few minutes and ask the Lord to help you and your children. Before you talk with your children, ask the Lord for strength and words. God tells us he is the one who strengthens us when we face suffering (Philippians 4:13) and that he gifts his people wisdom (James 1:5). Though you feel overwhelmed, you have a faithful God who promises to comfort the brokenhearted (Psalm 147:3). He sends the Holy Spirit to console and guide his people in times of sorrow and distress (John 14:16-18; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Ask for help.
God has gifted you with a Christian community to help you carry burdens (Galatians 6:2), so do not hesitate to call upon them. Usually it’s best for you, the parent, to share the sad news with your child, but if you feel unable to, ask someone to help you—ideally, another close family member. If someone else takes the lead, remain present during the conversation. Even if you are able to initiate the conversation, having a trusted person with you is often beneficial. Have them assist you in navigating your children’s reactions and questions. You might need support and prayer after the conversation.
Plan what you will say.
Compose the first two or three sentences in your mind. How can you share about the loss honestly, straightforwardly, and compassionately? Avoid euphemisms for death that might confuse a child, like “passed away” or “gone to sleep.” Try to speak plainly. You might say something like, “I have some very sad news. Your grandmother died today,” or “I just got some very sad news. Grandma has died, her body stopped working, and she is now with Jesus.” For this first conversation, you should only provide the information needed to understand that the person died. You do not need to explain everything all at once. This is only the first of many conversations you will want to have about what happened.
Seek out a private and calm space.
Find a place where your child will have privacy so others will not observe their reaction. Choose an environment that is not distracting. The more comfortable the child is, the more likely they will be able to interact with and process the news.
Prioritize telling your children.
You might be tempted to put off delivering devastating news to your children. But you will want to break the news before the child learns about the death from another source, picks up on other people’s sadness, or overhears bits of confusing information. Since your good Shepherd, Jesus, has has given you the task of being your child’s under-shepherd, you want to be their steady and faithful guide.
Encourage them to ask questions.
Death is confusing and sometimes surprising. Disbelief and disorientation are natural responses. Provide age-appropriate concrete answers. When you do not have the answers to their questions, it is best to tell them you do not know. Expect to get questions about what it means to die or what happens after the person dies. You might say, “After someone dies, they are safe with Jesus; he is taking care of them; they are not sad and have no more pain. They are happy to see him.” (Revelation 21:4).
Be gentle and reassuring.
It is usual for children to feel sad and scared. Remind them that you are there to take care of them. Offer comfort, hugs, and your presence. Stay focused on what your children are signaling or saying they need. Again, keep your answers simple.
Ask them to share how they are doing.
Try to find out from them what they are thinking. Hearing from them will give you an indication of what they understand. Invite your children to discuss their sadness, fears, anger, or confusion. You want them to know what they feel matters to you and the Lord and that you are there for them. Remember that children may not react immediately or understand what they are feeling.
Share our eternal hope.
As Christians, we know that even in death, we have great comfort because we have hope in Jesus. Share your faith, explaining that, as believers, we have the promise of eternal life (John 10:28). Our future is secure because of the love of Jesus (John 3:16). Though we are sad, we expect that God will comfort us in our sorrow as Jesus tells us, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). And though we will miss this person we can look forward to seeing our loved ones again one day in heaven (John 14:2-3).
Explain what will happen next.
You may not have much information about the days ahead, but tell your children what they can expect, “This is hard news. I will be here for you. People will pray for our family. Friends and family will come to visit us as we grieve. You will see me crying because I am so sad, but God will comfort us because our tears are precious to him.” (Psalm 56:8).
This initial conversation is just one of many you will have with your children. Grieving for someone you all love is a painful and lengthy process. But the Lord promises to be with you. Psalm 91 paints the picture of the Lord holding us close, tucking us gently under his wings (v. 4). The Lord is a tender comforter. In the days and months ahead, you will want to continue to lead your family as you lament and remember your loved one together. Check-in regularly with your children and encourage open conversations about their feelings. Grief is an unpredictable journey, but it has a destination, and God walks with us every step of the way.
Something SAD Happened
Sunny is a little bluebird who loves to sing happy songs until the death of Wren. Sunny’s heart hurts because she misses her friend, and she doesn’t feel like singing anymore. But Sunny’s Mama and forest friends gather around her, teaching her how to share her sadness with God and others.
