My daughter Sophia loves murder mysteries and hates cliffhangers. Anything about Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot is right up her alley. However, if a movie finishes with an unresolved plot, she boils over with frustration. What is it about her that makes her simultaneously love mysteries and hate cliffhangers? The reason is that curiosity is at the core of who she is as a person. She loves the unfolding of information that leads to plot resolution and catching the bad guy. She loves the inquisitive nature of Holmes and Poirot as they ask questions to get to the answer to the puzzle—and they always do get an answer. Her curiosity also drives her hatred of cliffhangers. Unresolved plots and unanswered questions are anathema to her. This type of curiosity is always searching, always engaging, and always internally asking questions.
When this type of curiosity is applied to interpersonal relationships, we call it “relational curiosity.” Relational curiosity is a deep desire to truly know someone—a desire to engage a person to understand more of what they want, what they need, and how to care for them. This curiosity comes from a heart of love for that person. This is what we need to have before we can listen well the way Jesus did.
Why Do We Need Relational Curiosity?
Relational curiosity is implied in several places in Scripture. Consider the famous Golden Rule in Matthew 7:12. It states, “whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them” (csb). This command assumes two things. It assumes that we know what we want and that we know what the other person’s situation is. The second assumption is what relational curiosity moves us toward. We are supposed to treat others as if we were in their situation.
This command is more others-focused by necessity than us-focused. Jesus didn’t command us to walk around, analyze what we want at any given moment, and give that to random people we interact with. The point is that we should see people in their individual situations and treat them in a manner that makes sense of that situation. To treat them in this way, we must know what is going on. We need to be curious about how people are doing, what they are going through, and how that is affecting them. Without this desire for understanding, we will be simplistic and unloving in what we do for those we love.
Building Relational Curiosity Internally
It is one thing to say that we should relate to people in a certain way. It is quite another thing to actually do it. Telling somebody what to do without showing them how and without giving them the power to do it can very much feel like the iconic Mad TV skit with Bob Newhart. Newhart plays a therapist, and when his client expresses to him that she is afraid, his only advice is “Stop it!”[1]
So we need to learn howto grow in relational curiosity, and we need help to put it into practice. First, there are several things we can do to encourage relational curiosity in our everyday interactions. Second, we need to remember that none of what I am going to encourage you to do will be enough without the Holy Spirit’s power. We cannot grow in Christ-like love without the Holy Spirit bringing it about. Here, then, are some practical steps to take with the help of the Spirit.
1. Read the Gospels
Many times we think of the Gospels as just history, merely accounts of what Jesus said and did. But what was the purpose of writing these stories? The purpose of these accounts is not just transferring information to us but also transforming us into Christ’s image. In the Gospels:
We encounter the risen Christ in person. We learn not just about him and what he theologically accomplished for us and what we are supposed to do as a result, but we get to see the sweet Lion and the roaring Lamb in action—loving people, showing compassion, teaching and discipling, rebuking and correcting, suffering and ultimately dying for us.[2]
As we encounter Christ through the Gospels and see how he shows relational curiosity, compassion, and kindness to those around him, we will, by the Holy Spirit’s power, be transformed into his likeness.
2. Take Time to Consider the Other Person and Their Interests
We should take time to think about what the other person’s interests are. Paul commands us to consider other people more important than ourselves (Philippians 2:3), and that means taking time to consider them. Take time to think through questions about the person you are wanting to build relational curiosity about. How are you two similar and different? What is her favorite thing to do? What is his favorite food, book, or movie? What types of things make him laugh? Where are the gaps in what you know about this person? These types of relational touchpoints can help you to understand this person better.
3. Ask the “Why?” Question
Ultimately, relational curiosity is about asking and understanding the question Why? This question keeps us engaged in knowing the person more. Asking why may lead us to understand something helpful about this loved one’s past or about their values, hopes, and dreams. It always presses in further. Here is an example. If you asked me if I’d like to go golfing with you, you would probably get a resounding “Absolutely!” If you asked why I want to golf, you would get not only an answer about my enjoyment but also insight into my past. I regularly went golfing with my father and grandfather. I have fond memories of going out to the Murray Country Club when I was younger and playing golf with them over the summer. When I got older, I continued to play golf with my dad, which led to numerous meaningful conversations as we walked the courses in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Asking why can get you to these types of answers, which help you to understand that person in a deeper way.
4. Practice
If relational curiosity is something you struggle with, or is a new concept, use these three exercises to work on building this way of being with people. Pick someone that you know, and engage them in this way, using these three internal and external practices. Notice how this changes your connection with the person. Notice how it changes the way you think about them and feel about them.
Relational curiosity is an essential part of loving other people. It is, many times, the starting point from which we engage and listen to others. We all can grow in this area and become more like Christ as we seek to love others as he loved us.
[1] Mad TV, season 7, episode 17, “Encore: New Therapy with Bob Newhart,”aired March 16, 2002.
[2] Jonathan Pennington, Reading the Gospels Wisely: A Narrative and Theological Introduction (Baker Academic, 2012), 49.
Learning to Listen
In Learning to Listen, biblical counselor Joseph Hussung gives readers a theology of listening and explains the purpose, posture, and practice of this essential counseling skill. If counselors do not truly hear the hearts of their counselees, they won’t understand the nuanced struggles at play nor how to apply biblical principles. Listening well enables counselors to love well and understand with empathy.
