Navigating sibling conflict is one of the most stressful parts of parenting. It is distressing for us as parents to see the little people we love and adore mistreat one another! It shouldn’t be so! We’re family, after all. And yet it is so. Siblings fight. Siblings fight hard and often. They fight because those little people we love and adore have, just like us, desires that battle within them that cause them to do battle with others (James 4:1). And just as we need the love of Christ to reign in our hearts so that love abounds in our relationships, so do our children. But how do we help them get there? In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, the opportunities to go beyond, “stop fighting with each other!” are few and far between. While it’s true that not every moment lends itself to a meaningful conversation, we can work to build a positive vision for our children of the gift that God intends their relationship to be.
Here are six important aspects of that positive vision you can share with your children.
1. God placed each of you in our family on purpose.
No one is here by accident (Psalm 139:16). God has a purpose for you being part of our family. One important purpose is learning how to love one another. Showing love to one another is very important to God. He is love and out of his love, he made each one of us. It matters to him how we treat each other because each of us is precious to him. We are made in God’s image. That means we can look like him! And we look like God when we show love to one another.
2. Being in our family is your first chance to learn how to show love to others.
That’s not easy because we live with each other! As family, we know each others’ irritating habits and the ways we try to get our own way. It’s hard to get along all the time! But when it’s hard, God can help you to show patience instead of anger, mercy instead of getting even, and kindness instead of being mean. When we are patient, merciful, and kind, we are acting like God and imitating how he loves us. We get to show each other what God is like. Ephesians 4:32 says it like this, ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you’ (ESV).
3. We belong to each other, so hurting one another is just like hurting yourself.
Share Romans 12:5 with your kids. Think together with your children about the many applications of this truth. For example, if your son’s team lost his soccer game, and your daughter’s team won, then your daughter might be tempted to gloat and rub it in her brother’s face. What difference would it make to remember that they belong to each other? If we belong to each other, then it helps us to understand why God also tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice [and] weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15 ESV). For your daughter, that means she cares about her brother’s upset and is sensitive to how he feels. Ask her to empathize: How would she like to be treated if she lost a game? If that is how she would like to be treated, and if her brother belongs to her, then she will choose to treat him and care for him the same way she would want to be cared for. Your son might be tempted to ignore his sister’s win because it reminds him of his team’s loss. But can he congratulate his sister and rejoice with her even as he also feels disappointment?
4. Guide your children through how to seek forgiveness and how to extend it.
Fighting does harm to relationships. So one important way to care for the relationship is to resolve the fight. It’s not enough for the squabbling to stop. Help your kids confess their specific sin against their sibling. And teach them to follow their confession with the question, “Will you forgive me?” Help the other child to respond with the words, “I forgive you.” Hearing these words is a precious gift they can give each other because forgiveness is a precious gift.
5. Guide your children in confessing their sin to God.
Remember what we said in #1: it matters to God how we treat each other because he loves each of us. When we sin against one another, that is a sin against God. Reassure children that God surely forgives them (1 John 1:9).
6. Express your hope for siblings to become lifelong friends.
Having a sibling carries this potential. That is every parent’s hope. Talk about this with your children, as well as teach them how that can happen. Trust and friendships develop as we right wrongs and resolve our fights. Confession, repentance, and the assurance of forgiveness is the rhythm of the Christian life—a steady rhythm in our relationship with God and others.
The above content was adapted from Darcy Is Always First © 2024 by Lauren Whitman. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
darcy is always first
It doesn’t matter that Darcy Duck is only a few seconds older than Delia and Denny—Darcy thinks she should be first at everything. That means that the ducklings always end up fighting to get their turn. Hurt feelings and anger abound until one day when their grandparents fly in for a visit. That’s when Denny’s determination to be first, ahead of Darcy, almost ends in disaster.
