My husband and I knew this day was coming; like a hurricane that gives a few days warning, we had prepared for this. But are you ever really prepared for that day? My family of 19, with daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren, will not be with us this Thanksgiving. It sounds a little depressing admitting it out loud. But this will be our new normal for a season, what we call our “little” family: my husband, our youngest daughter, and myself.
Chaos, tables full of holiday decor, fragrant food in the kitchen, laughter. This is what I am used to, what I thrive in. What I don’t thrive in are the empty, sad feelings that I must navigate. So, the Lord is teaching me to think rightly about sharing this wonderful family with others.
Having all daughters and a closely knit family, Juan and I knew our daughters would gravitate toward wanting to be together during holidays. After all, our family traditions are all built around these special days and being together and making memories.
Most of my friends have sons, and there is one thing I have learned from them. Girls’ families don’t share so well, and the sons’ families are sacrificed. We didn’t want that for our sons-in-law or their families, so we have put in a few sea walls to protect us during these seasonal hurricanes called empty holidays.
The first thing we did was express our desires and expectations. We desired to maintain relationships with our daughters and their families, and we encouraged them to cultivate that same desire for their husband’s families as well. So, when our girls got engaged, we started having conversations about what was important for us. It’s a lesson we had been learning our whole lives—how to share. We didn’t expect them to spend every holiday with us, but we did ask that they give us one a year. One year we would host everyone at Christmas, and the next, we’d host everyone for Thanksgiving. So, this year the girls will be spending Thanksgiving with their in-laws, and our “little” family will be all alone. And yet, we look forward to a full house at Christmas.
But even our Christmas traditions have changed. Before they had children, our daughters loved staying overnight at the house and continuing our Christmas morning traditions. But as children came, it was more important for them to establish their own Christmas morning traditions and come over later.
Expectations evolve and change and that is good for maintaining healthy relationships with your adult kids. We could use guilt to manipulate our children, but that’s sinful and not healthy for maintaining relationships. I want the girls and their families to desire to celebrate holidays together, if possible, out of joy, not compulsion.
We’ve learned to trust our girls to make good decisions for their families. It doesn’t mean they are against you. We need to learn that the human capacity to love is without limits. The more people we envelop into our lives, the more we are able to love. And releasing our children to establish their own family traditions helps them establish their own family identity.
Of course, we learned this lesson ourselves. Years ago, we found ourselves at breakfast on Christmas morning in a Denny’s restaurant at a truck stop. It was the only thing open on Christmas Day. Being in the ministry, my husband had to preach a Christmas Eve sermon which meant we were traveling from Indiana all night and the next day to celebrate Christmas with our families in Florida. Our van was full of our five girls’ Christmas gifts so we could do the gift exchange with our girls and extended family. Juan and I looked at each other and said, “This is it. We are done.” In that moment, we decided that we would stay home on Christmas from that point on and start our own family traditions. After all, it was easier for two (or four) grandparents to travel to us than seven people to travel to them. We weren’t rejecting my parents; we were prioritizing our family unit and solidifying our family identity.
This also gave us an opportunity to celebrate Epiphany, or Three Kings Day, on January 6th. Growing up in Puerto Rico, this was my husband’s family tradition. Instead of exchanging gifts on Christmas, we switched our gift giving to Epiphany, highlighting the wise men bringing three gifts to Jesus. This became our norm, three gifts for each child, keeping the focus on Christ, the true gift. Now if our daughters are spending Christmas with their in-laws, it’s not a problem. We celebrate Epiphany that Christmas season instead!
As important as these two holidays are, the most important time for our family is Easter. We gather for a sweet time of fellowship and brunch after our morning worship, something each girl looks forward to. We also become a home for our church staff who are unable to be with their families due to work. Once again, our home is full of people, life, and laughter.
Of course, disappointment eventually ensues. One of the girl’s family won’t be coming anymore because her husband is now a church planter. It’s now time for them to make new traditions and memories with their church family. And once again, I have to remind myself that this is what growing up looks like. Leaving and cleaving is hard. But it also pushes me to redefine traditions and establish new norms.
So, prepare now for the hurricane that will come and disrupt your calm family unit. Pray the Lord would give you the right lens with which to view these changes. The question I am asking myself this year is how I can include others in our family traditions to build new ones with new memories. This does take a lot of work, but it is well worth it. After all, we are all part of the family of God.
Reaching Your Child’s heart
Raising children can feel overwhelming as you try to navigate the many voices telling you what to do and not to do, but God has already given you everything you need to be faithful parents! In Reaching Your Child’s Heart, Juan and Jeanine Sanchez encourage parents from their gospel-shaped perspective that children don’t need perfect parents—they need a perfect Savior.
