When considering your life’s journey, I don’t know if you can truly leave your abortion in the past. Every experience you go through becomes part of your larger story. With this in mind, how you view your abortion at this point in your life is what is most important. Do you still feel shame and condemnation, or are you living in the light of Christ’s redemption? Are you moving forward and finding your comfort in God and his Word?
The book of Ecclesiastes talks about seasons. It says, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). In verse four, it speaks about a time for sorrow and mourning over loss. But it also says there is a time to live in joy and celebrate. For the woman who has had an abortion, there is a time to weep and a time to mourn and also a time to laugh and a time to dance (Ecclesiastes 3:4). If God has healed you from the pain of your abortion, now is the time to laugh and dance.
You can, and should, rejoice over God’s mercy and grace, his love, and his healing. If Jesus has set you free, there is no longer any condemnation from the past—only spiritual liberation in Christ to enjoy (Romans 8:1–2, Galatians 5:1). In 2 Corinthians 5:17, the apostle Paul assures Christians that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
Are you living in that newness? If not, what in your life still needs to be restored? Whatever damage has been done requires restoration through God’s Word by the work of his Spirit. Let’s carefully assess some areas in your life that may need restoration.
RESTORING SEXUAL PURITY
Perhaps you were sexually active outside of marriage. Maybe you have suffered sexual harassment, abuse, or assault. Adultery is also prevalent in our culture—even within the church. Pornography is easily accessible 24/7 on screens big and small. All of these things deeply impact how we view sex and sexuality. Sin—whether our own or someone else’s—skews our view of God’s good gift of sex.
After your abortion, you may have run to sexual partners for comfort or pleasure as I did. Using sex for selfish gain only causes more confusion about God’s design for it. If you were sexually assaulted or abused, you may be terrified of ever having sex again. Sexual sin against you also distorts God’s design for sex. If you have been a victim of sexual assault or sexual abuse and you are terrified of ever having sex again, I want to encourage you that God can heal even this. Not only can God renew you after the pain and trauma, but he can restore a sense of the goodness and joy of sex within marriage as he designed it to be. Several resources are listed at the end of this chapter that can help you as you seek God’s healing in this area.
Think about your current view of sex. Do you have a biblical understanding and appreciation of it? Or has your abortion and the circumstances surrounding it mixed things up in your mind, causing you to disdain it? I would encourage you to seek further teaching to restore your view of sexuality according to God’s Word.
God’s gift of sex is sacred and is meant to be fully enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. Sexual purity is meant to be maintained in the heart of every Christian—single or married. If you are struggling to maintain sexual purity, seek the help of a Christian mentor or biblical counselor who can work with you to live in sexual purity.
RESTORATION IN MARRIAGE
Abortion can have a significantly negative impact on a marriage, even if the abortion preceded your marriage with your current spouse. In my own marriage, I was desperate to have another baby after my abortion. A fervent desire to find out if I could become pregnant again had become an idol to me. That idol wreaked havoc for the first three years of our marriage as I was fearful, demanding of my husband, and took out my fear-driven frustrations on him.
When a couple has had an abortion together, seeds of bitterness toward one another are often sown. This resentment soon sprouts like weeds in an unkempt flower bed. Bitter words and actions can choke out any attempts at constructive communication or meaningful marital intimacy. If the abortion decision was based on a dire health prognosis, the anticipation of a similar outcome in a future pregnancy can set a couple on edge. If they are dominated by this fear, they can slowly begin to distance themselves from one another.
Another inhibitor to marital intimacy is experiencing flashbacks of the procedure’s physical trauma while trying to have sex with your husband. If your husband is confused as to why you are struggling to have sex, you need to ask your spouse to be patient with you. Together, you can learn how to overcome these obstacles to intimacy.
Ask a biblical counselor to help the two of you work through any hindrances. A biblical counselor can support you and your spouse in expressing Christlike love and showing patience with one another as you strive to work through any hindrances to intimacy.
PARENTING WITHOUT FEAR
Women who have had an abortion often fear that God will punish them by permitting something bad to happen to their children in the future. If this fear is left to fester, you may struggle with either permissive or excessive parenting.
Permissive parenting rarely says no and often doesn’t implement loving, yet firm discipline when necessary. This may be because you have lived under the guilt of taking the life of your preborn child. Sometimes as a form of penance, a parent will overindulge their child with an abundance of gifts or words of affirmation as a way to overcome their own guilt.
Conversely, you may be parenting excessively, what some have termed “helicopter” parenting. Are you continually hovering over your child? A parent who lives under the fear of the death or suffering of their child often implements excessive restrictions. Perhaps you rarely let your child out of your sight, or you suffer debilitating anxiety when your child isn’t with you.
If either of these styles has been your approach to parenting, most likely your child will suffer mental and emotional consequences and it will hinder healthy personal and spiritual development. It is important to understand the proper balance of responsibility that parents have in caring for their children and trusting God’s sovereign care over them. God is ultimately in charge of the events that take place throughout their lives (Matthew 6:25–33). He cares about you and about them; you can entrust them to him.
SHARING YOUR STORY OF CHRIST’S REDEMPTION
The goal of every Christian should be to live a fruitful life to the glory of God. If you have experienced God’s healing, you should be eager to share with others God’s redemptive work in you. While you do not have to tell everyone you meet, if you have experienced freedom in Christ, you will want to tell others.
Have you told your spouse or adult children about your abortion? If not, this secrecy could hinder you from sharing your testimony with someone who needs to hear that there is hope in Christ after an abortion. If you haven’t already shared with your husband and children (if they are mature enough) about your previous abortion, you may shy away from telling anyone else for fear of the news getting back to your family.
If you have been socially or physically isolating yourself from people, especially people in the church, because of your abortion, Christ desires to transform your hiding heart. Jesus came to the earth, took on human flesh, and bore the sin of the world upon the cross. He did this so that repentant sinners could be restored to a right relationship with their Creator God.
The Old Testament often tells the history of Israel and God’s restoration of his people after they commit great sins against him. On many occasions, their enemies break through their fortified walls and plunder them, and they are utterly desolated. However, God does not leave them this way.
Psalm 126 tells of Israel’s response after God’s restoration of their land and their possessions. This Song of Ascent can also be applied to Christians who have experienced God’s spiritual restoration. It says, “When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’ The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad” (Psalm 126:1–3). Has God delivered you from your sin of abortion and restored you? With gladness, you too can (and should) give testimony to the great things he has done for you.
If you are not sure how to share your abortion testimony, try writing it out. Make sure to incorporate Scriptures that God used to heal your heart and renew your mind. Include how the good news of Jesus’s forgiveness of your sins is central to your story.
Having your testimony in written form may make it easier to tell others about your abortion. You can either read it to them or have them read it. You could start by sharing your story with your pastor or a friend who can be trusted to listen humbly and graciously. They can encourage you and pray for you, especially if you are nervous about telling your husband or grown children.
God used James 5:16 to teach me the blessing and benefits of disclosing my sin to a trusted Christian friend or church leader. It says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
For me, sharing about my abortion with trusted Christian friends enabled me to grow in confidence in the freedom that I have in Christ. Each time I told someone what God had done, any residual shadows of shame over my abortion dissolved as I heard myself speak of Christ’s glorious redemption. I have resolved to be obedient to share my testimony whenever God sends someone my way who needs to hear how Jesus saves sinners. Because of this, I have seen the fruit of others coming to know Christ and live in freedom from the shackles of their sin and shame.
Excerpt adapted from Moving Forward After Abortion ©2023 by Camille Cates. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
Moving Forward After Abortion
Counselor Camille Cates points women who may be facing hurt, confusion, and unanswered questions after an abortion to finding grace and mercy in God’s love. In Moving Forward after Abortion, she helps them to see that God is forgiving, gracious, merciful, and loving, and offers comfort to those who come to him to experience restoration instead of brokenness.
