Children and teens face a tremendous amount of pressure from their peers and culture to find their identity in their activities, performance, or feelings. This modern way of looking at identity can be challenging to navigate for parents who grew up with a traditional view of identity rooted in predetermined roles. What if they could help their children and teenagers find their identity in something that never went away and never changed based on their ability or performance—an identity grounded in God’s grace?
In Grounded in Grace: Helping Kids Build Their Identity in Christ, counselor Jonathan Holmes offers parents a guide to understanding how a child’s identity is formed in today’s world and why it leads to insecurity and confusion. He encourages parents to play a crucial role in guiding their children through the challenges of identity formation, encouraging a reliance on a stable, God-given identity rather than conforming to external or internal pressures.
In this interview, we talk to Holmes about how parents can help their kids build an identity that is grounded in grace.
Q: How has the way teens view their identity changed over the past few generations?
Today teens and young people are forming their identity in different ways than previous generations. In the past, individuals primarily came into a sense of who they were through a collection of cultural influences, family of origin, socio-economic boundaries, etc. Today, teens and young people come into a sense of who they are through a much more intuitive process, essentially feeling what it is that they want to be, then going out into the world and seeking affirmation/acceptance for that given identity.
Q: Could you walk us through the traditional model of identity vs. the modern model of identity and the inherent problems with both?
Historically, identity was formed in response to the question, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” Most children would have responded with something to the effect of, “I want to be a good person. I want my parents to be proud of me.” Making parents proud was one of the most important things to a child, and it was accomplished by fulfilling the role that a son or a daughter should play in society.
In modern identity, the determiner of identity has moved from something outside of you to something inside of you. Your voice is now the decisive factor of determining who you are and what you want to be.
Nineteenth century philosopher John Stuart Mill sums up the prevailing philosophy well: “Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.” The sovereign self is exactly that. You do you—you live your best life, an authentic life. In a modern identity context, the highest pursuit is the individual’s happiness and well-being, not the happiness or well-being of the family, tribe, or clan. To live an authentic life is seen as the highest good.
Problems with traditional identity: At a minimum, traditional identity forced people into pre-prescribed societal roles that may or may not have aligned with biblical principles. Additionally, what does an individual do when they do not have good parents or role models, or when the expectations of the society of the individual are not biblical?
Problems with modern identity: incoherent, crushing, exhausting, fragile, an illusion. It is incoherent in that the individual is told to dig deep into their feelings to determine who they are, but what do you do when your feelings change? Do you want your entire identity based and rooted in something as transient and ephemeral as feelings/emotions? Feelings and emotions are good and God-given; to use a driving analogy—feelings make good passengers, but not so good drivers.
Q: What is the third model of identity that you propose?
The third model is a gospel identity which is an identity that is received and not achieved. A gospel identity takes the elements from both traditional and modern identity formation processes, but brings the deep truth of Scripture to bear, namely that we are first and foremost made in God’s image and that what he says about us is the truest reality of who we are. We are not primarily what we do or what we feel; we are who God says we are. Scripture speaks to this in nearly every page. From being made in his image, to being beloved children of God, Scripture roots our identity and the identity formation process squarely with the Creator of the universe.
Q: What role do (or should) parents play in the formation and development of their child’s identity?
Parents play an important role in the formation of their child’s identity because parents are God’s chosen ambassador in their life. We are called as parents to teach and talk to our children about who the Lord is and what he purposed for their life (Deuteronomy 6:4-8). Parents play an important role because they are the most influential voice, especially in the earlier years of their child’s life.
From birth to age 18, the amount of hours spent with the child is of enormous value. Every moment is valuable. And I tell parents often that it’s never too early to start teaching your child about God and it’s never too late to start teaching your child about God.
Q: What are the five main areas where kids and teens tend to struggle with their identity?
Kids and teens tend build their identities in what they do: 1) academics, 2) sports, and 3) moralism/good works. Or they build their identity around how feel: 4) gender and 5) sexuality.
Q: Tell us a little bit about the academic pressures kids face today and how their performance becomes a major factor in their identity. How can parents help in that area rather than add to the stress?
Let’s face it, the pressure kids are facing today related to academics is enormous. Nearly everyone acknowledges the negative and detrimental effect that COVID had on student’s academics. Researchers are telling us the students are falling behind in math, reading and history. Test scores are much lower across the board in subjects compared to where students were scoring three years prior. The pressure for kids to get a 4.0 GPA in order to get into college is in and of itself not a foolproof guarantee of success as forty percent of students who go to college do not even finish! [i]
Parents can help their children through this area by having honest conversations about the role of academics and how the child/teen views themselves. A starting point is understanding/evaluating your own posture toward this topic. Do you demand academic success from your kid, or do you seek to understand your child’s gifting/skill and scale expectations accordingly? Do you have reasonable expectations for academics that are built through mutual collaboration?
Q: With so much sports performance anxiety coming from the pressure to be a good athlete, is it even possible for a kid to play on a team simply for fun and recreation anymore? What are some truths that these young athletes should be reminded of so that they don’t wrap their identity in their athleticism?
Yes, I do believe it’s possible for kids to be able to participate and play in sports for recreational purposes as well as a desire to excel for future opportunities. As with the other issues above, the crux of the matter is what role does sports and athletics play in your child’s life. Here are a few truths I want to instill in my own children as they play:
- We play for God’s glory and the good of others. We play and seek to play hard because using the God-given talents/abilities he has given to us is a principle of good stewardship.
- In playing sports, be a team player. Be on the lookout for the good of others, specifically your team.
- Winning is fun, but how you lose is even more important. How will you handle loss and failure for God’s glory and the good of others?
- At the end of the day, whatever your performance on the court or field, know that the most important things about you aren’t your stats and points, but who the Lord says you are!
Q: What are the dangers of raising children who focus their identity on moralism? Isn’t it good for them to want to do good works?
Anyone who has read the gospels knows that Jesus’s interpersonal ministry often looks and sounds different depending on who he is speaking to. When he’s with the Samaritan woman in John 4, his approach is tender, inquisitive, and ultimately convicting. When he’s with Nicodemus in John 3, his approach is straightforward, honest, and even incredulous. All that to say, Jesus is a master at knowing his audience and attenuating to their needs.
In Matthew 23:27–28, we see Jesus in a brutally honest conversation. I say brutal because there’s no other way to describe it. In speaking to the Pharisees, Jesus pulls no punches. He doesn’t hesitate to call out their hypocrisy and spiritual deadness. Jesus is bold and clear, and his message is, too. Why does Jesus reserve some of his harshest, but most honest words for the religious? How could these “righteous” and “moral” teachers of the day be described as “full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness”? Jesus comments that these teachers of the law appear outwardly righteous, but the reality is the polar opposite.
Let’s visit another passage which sheds further light on the topic. After Jesus calls Matthew, the tax collector, as his disciple, the Pharisees begin to grumble and complain (Matthew 9:9–13). The danger Jesus is calling the Pharisees out on is their dependence on their own works-based righteousness. Is there anything that is more of an affront to the good news of the gospel, than to reject the very premise and foundation of the gospel: that you cannot save yourself?
The problem with works-based righteousness is that as a parent it so easy to praise and affirm moral behavior. I mean, let’s be honest—what parent wouldn’t want their child to adhere to their rules, standards, and guidelines? Who wouldn’t want a child that happily goes to church, volunteers in children’s ministry, is an active member of the youth group, and gets good grades in school? Some of you would kill for that. But we would err in that if our child’s understanding of the gospel is, “I obey, therefore I am accepted by God.”
Children who are raised in Christian homes will experience, Lord willing, a rich heritage and example of a life lived before the Lord and for the Lord. Yet, there are several symptoms I find many children and teens can exhibit when they seek to build their identity on their good works.
Q: Gender identity is such a sensitive subject, and the language and terminology are always changing. Why do you encourage your readers to stay current with the language and terminology as it is helpful for your particular context?
Understanding the language can do two things:
- It communicates care and compassion. It can communicate that you’re open and willing to meet the child where they are.
- It communicates understanding and a grasp of the issues. If you come to the conversation ill-prepared, you might find you’re not actually talking about the same thing. Clarifying understanding is one of the first steps toward having meaningful conversations.
For instance, your child might use a term like “queer” which you might immediately equate with “gay” when in most cases, that is not the direct correlation.
Q: What are some things that parents should be mindful of if their child expresses struggles with gender confusion?
I find that children are incredibly intuitive as it relates to their parent’s emotions. In my work with parents, I find parents gravitate toward one of two extremes in these discussions: under-reaction or over-reaction. What does an under-reaction look like? Well, a child might express ongoing and increasing discomfort and dissonance with their body and gender identity. In response you might say to yourself, “This is just a phase he’s going through,” or “I think she’ll probably just grow out of it.” Instead, what could it look like to engage your child’s gender distress with compassion and biblical truth?
In my experience, an over-reaction is a more common occurrence amongst parents. If a child expresses any gender dissonance, it can be easy to over-react. Many parents, understandably so, want to address these issues immediately and swiftly. The parent’s emotional posture during this time can come across and be experienced as fearful, embarrassed, or anxious. Imagine for a moment how your child might interpret those emotions. Would they want to open up, discuss, and connect? Most likely, no. In those moments of difficulty and awkwardness, cry out to the Lord for mercy. It can be easy for parents to forget that they have a Savior and Shepherd who promises to draw near to them in times of trouble and hardship.
Additionally, I find many parents find themselves distressed when their son or daughter begins playing with “opposite-gender” toys or chooses to dress in more unisex clothing. Sometimes in our own emotional distress as parents, we might create an environment that pushes a child to think something is wrong with their gender simply because of more culturally-informed stereotypes surrounding gender rather than Scripture itself.
Here are a few things we can do:
Ask questions:
So much of our discipleship and leading of our children flourishes as we draw our children out (cf. Proverbs 20:5) and engage their hearts through dialogue and conversation. In our conversations with our children, questions tend to open them up, while answers and problem-fixes tend to shut them down. As parents, we want to avoid having our child feel they are going through a police interrogation.
Discern what is causing the gender confusion and discomfort:
When speaking and building relationship with your child, seek to understand what might be beneath the gender confusion and discomfort. For instance, your son might say he wants to be a girl because he wants to be like his sisters. Here the perceived gender confusion might be as simple as his conceptualization that being a girl helps him have a better relationship with his sisters, since he’d be like one of his sisters.
In other situations, the discomfort might be a bit deeper. A young girl is uncomfortable with what she perceives are cultural expectations of girls. I had one young woman who was experiencing some gender confusion, and the way she summed it up was, “I don’t like the drama, the gossip, the preoccupation with their looks.” In this particular case, this young woman ultimately wasn’t reacting against being an embodied female, but the particular ways that femineity was being expressed at her school. She later commented she felt more comfortable with her guy friends who played sports. The idea that she could play sports and be feminine was something that hadn’t occurred to her.
Gender dysphoria, distress, or discomfort are all reflective of the broken world we live in. Helping your child understand this can help them open up to you about questions they have or problems with their body.
Talk about gender positively
When we disciple our children in the way of the Lord, we will seek to portray him as Scripture reveals him. In the opening pages of Scripture, what we see is that when God creates Adam and Eve—male and female—this is something very good. The gendering of our bodies is a good gift from God that displays his plan for human flourishing.
Remember, if you’re uncomfortable in discussing these things, your kids will pick up on that. They will begin to interpret gender and related confusion/conversation about that as something that causes you discomfort. What if our children heard, saw, and experienced us talking about gender and sexuality as a positive gift from the Lord? Viewing gender as a gift from the Lord opens up new opportunities for discussion with your child. Rather than their gender being something that is malleable and open to interpretation, a gift is to be received and received with thankfulness and gratitude to the Giver.
Q: Why does our culture put such a heavy emphasis on a person’s sexual identity?
Ironically, our culture commits two errors when it comes to sex—sex is everything and sex is nothing.
Sex is everything: Our culture makes everything about sex. Sex sells everything from fast food to cars. If you’re not having sex, something’s terribly wrong and off with you.
Sex is nothing: At the same time, our culture seems to make sex of little consequence. Consent is all that is needed. One commentator said that sex is just two bodies touching one another.
The horrible implication of both of these errors is that it makes sex a central part of one’s identity, but yet at the same time we know that sex is not nearly stable enough to stake one’s entire identity on. The gospel cuts through and give a perfect diagnosis. Sex is not nothing, nor is it everything. Sex is a way that we bring glory to God either in the way we engage in it through a committed, marriage relationship OR through the way we abstain from it as a single individual devoted to the Lord.
Q: What final wisdom do you offer for helping your child see his or her identity in Christ?
My first encouragement is for you yourself to be convinced and grounded in your identity in Christ. Our ability to lead comes from our ability to follow! Friend, it is not too late to commit and confess your faith in Christ. That is the most important thing I would tell parents. You can be a good parent—even a great parent—and yet not know Christ.
Your first and foremost calling as a parent is to be a follower of Jesus Christ. It is out of this identity that we can parent confidently and humbly. We realize and understand the role we play (we are God’s ambassador’s, not our child’s owner) and thus carry it out with joy and love.
[i] David Murray, Why is my teenager feeling like this? A Guide for Helping Teens through Anxiety and Depression, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2020), 121.
Grounded in grace
Jonathan Holmes explores the five core areas of identity struggles most common to teens: sports, academics, moralism, sexual orientation, and gender confusion. He provides parents with a biblical foundation to work from and practical tools to help their teen find their identity based on who God says they are.
