Someone we love has died, and we grieve. The grief surrounding this type of loss is profound. We grieve because we love. And that love is precious.
You can help your child grieve by showing them how you turn to God in sorrow. They will learn how to grieve by watching you. Grief is not something to be rushed. God understands and invites us to tell him about our grief and pain. This type of crying out to God is called lament.
Lament is prayer with a purpose. The purpose is building trust—affirming and renewing our confidence in our Comforter. Lamenting takes faith, and it builds faith. Many psalms are psalms of lament (6, 10, 13, 25, 42, 43, 130). They invite us to speak our grief directly to God, asking him for help.
Prayers of lament have three parts: (1) telling God how we feel; (2) asking for help; and (3) remembering that God is someone we can trust.
We lovingly allow children to feel and express their pain and then gently remind them of God’s love, presence, protection, care, and promise of heaven. To heal, we need to process our pain and embrace hope; lamenting helps us do both.
Teaching Your Child to Lament Loss
Allow your child to grieve and lament. Linger with them in times of sadness. It is good to cry with them and cry out to the Lord alongside them. Scripture tells us to show love by weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15). Do not be afraid that your child is not healing if they are sad. Expressing their sadness is helping them to heal. When we entrust our children to the Lord’s faithful care and comforting presence, we will gain the strength to watch them grieve (Isaiah 43:2).
Helping Your Child Build a Lament
1. Ask questions about how they feel.
They might struggle to find the words to describe their feelings, so offer these suggestions, “Are you feeling angry, sad, confused, lonely, afraid, in shock, left behind, helpless, or hurt?” All these are normal feelings surrounding grief. A child might be wrestling with different emotions each day, so keep asking. Remember, children lack words, so they often express their feelings through their behavior (often misbehavior), so keep asking yourself, “What does my child’s behavior indicate about what they are feeling and how are they doing?”
2. Teach them to pray and ask for help.
Children often need help initiating prayer. Model it for them, pray with them, or give them ideas of what they can ask God for. If they are sad, lead them to ask for God’s comfort (Psalm 147:3). If they are afraid, they can ask God to protect them (Psalm 46:1). When your child feels angry, encourage them to talk to you and God (Psalm 30:5). When they feel alone and do not know what to do, they can ask for God’s guidance (Psalm 18:28). Help them ask God for peace when they feel confused (Psalm 46:10).
3. Help them remember God’s love for them.
His largest act of love was Jesus putting death to death. We have hope because one day there will be no more sadness, and we will be reunited with those we love in the presence of Jesus.
Teaching your child to lament shows you how they are doing, but more important, teaches them how to turn to God in times of sadness.
Like ours, our children’s hearts need to be reminded that the Lord is for us. Just as almost all the psalms of lament end with an expression of trust, hope, or praise, so should our prayers reaffirm what we are sure about the Lord. Here are some verses that speak hope into grief.
- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18
- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:4
- He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. – Revelation 21:4
- For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16
- I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD who made heaven and earth. – Psalm 121:1-2
- It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. – Deuteronomy 31:8
- You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. – John 16:20b
Ideas for Remembering a Loved One
We gain comfort and strength as we remember someone we love. Sharing memories is also a way to delight in the gift of someone’s love and recall what God has done. Children fear forgetting their loved one, so helping them maintain those memories can help with their grief. It is good to recount positive memories, but do not hesitate to acknowledge the difficult ones.
- Keep a memory box. Fill it with items that remind you of your loved one, for example, letters, recipes, keepsakes, favorite Scriptures, and photos.
- Plant something that reminds you of them. This could be a favorite tree or plants that display their favorite colors.
- Write down stories about your loved one.
- Wear something special, for example, a piece of jewelry or clothing that reminds you of them.
- Share your loved one’s story with others.
- Make their favorite meal or go to their favorite restaurant.
- Have a photobook made.
- Ask others to share stories and record them talking.
- Turn their favorite t-shirt into a comfy pillow or blanket. Or repurpose clothing into pieces of art, jewelry, or a quilt.
- Sing their favorite song or hymn.
- Display their favorite Bible verse on the wall.
- Read a book they loved.
- Spend time learning a hobby of theirs.
- Purchase or make a Christmas ornament in their honor.
- Visit their favorite place.
- Paint rocks with pictures that remind you of them.
- Make a playlist of their favorite songs.
Excerpted from Something Sad Happened © 2024 by Darby A. Strickland. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
For more on helping children grieve, see Darby Strickland’s minibook, Helping Your Family Grieve: Lament and Remember Together.
Something SAD Happened
Sunny is a little bluebird who loves to sing happy songs until the death of Wren. Sunny’s heart hurts because she misses her friend, and she doesn’t feel like singing anymore. But Sunny’s Mama and forest friends gather around her, teaching her how to share her sadness with God and others.