Being a parent is a lot like being a detective. When a child enters your family by birth or adoption, you begin one of the greatest investigative missions of your life.
Have you ever considered the mystery wrapped up in that sleeping (or screaming!) newborn tucked into his car seat? You know he was made in God’s image. You know she is deeply loved by God and by his family. But who is he really? How is she wired? What does he love? What are her strengths, and what are her weaknesses? Will he be strong-willed or easy going? A born leader or a humble servant? Someone who always speaks her mind, or a wallflower who needs to be drawn out? What will be his sources of temptation, and what will be the hill on which he’s willing to die?
Untangling this mystery is not merely an interesting hobby. Rather, you’re on mission to help your child discover who God has created him or her to be. And once you’ve discovered it, to help them become the godliest version of themselves possible.
How is a detective-parent to do it?
Exposure
God’s creation is bursting with wonderful things to explore (Psalm 104), so expose your children to a variety of environments and see where they flourish. Are they excited to be in a crowd of people, or does it exhaust them? Does he love climbing outside, or quietly rolling matchbox cars in his room? What kinds of people and situations is she most drawn to?
This doesn’t need to cost a lot of money or take over your life. I’m not suggesting you enroll your children in a different activity every day of the week. Rather, be creative and explore what your community has to offer. There are countless options that won’t break the bank, from library and museum visits, to spending time with seniors, playing in a stream, adopting a pet, cooking together, watching a construction crew at work, riding a bus, planting a garden, and painting.
As your children are exposed to different situations and environments, study their reactions and interactions for intel on how they are wired.
Excitement
How excited are you about the things that interest your kids?
We have five kids who come from the same gene pool and have grown up in very similar environments, but it never ceases to amaze me how different they are. This means I’ve had lots of opportunities to get excited about things I never knew existed. I never knew what an articulated dump truck was until I had boys who were crazy about trucks. I couldn’t have identified a Belgian Malinois until I had a daughter who was passionate about dogs. I had never attended a pro soccer game or a robotics tournament, and I had never discussed Jimmy Carter’s presidency, until I had kids who were interested in those things.
Admittedly, this can be challenging when your child is interested in something you find dead boring. Remember Paul’s description of love? It is “not self-seeking,” or, in another translation, “does not insist on its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5). As you die to yourself, and your own preferences, and get excited about the good things your kids are drawn to, you love them well.
You also take an important step towards understanding how God has wired them with unique strengths and limitations.
Cultivate Gifts
A good detective-parent isn’t scared to think outside the box. Academics and athletics are often most emphasized in our culture, but there are lots of other, even more important, areas of gifting to discover.
Take time to notice gifts that emerge in daily life. Do you have a compassionate child who tenderly cares for a wounded bird, or keeps checking on you when you’re sick? Maybe your child loves to take things apart and rebuild them, or fix things that are broken? Does she delight in making things beautiful, from cooking to art? Is she an adventurer who forges ahead on family hikes? A deep thinker who asks lots of questions and takes time to answer? What does she do in her spare time? What could you ask her about that would get her talking for 10 minutes straight?
Remember that strength of character is far more important than skill and ability. So, the hard-earned B from the child who labored through hours of homework is far more valuable than an easy A from a child who breezes through her classes without trying.
As you help your child cultivate her strengths, remember the Giver. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights…” (James 1:17). God has given your children gifts, not so they would be praised for how great they are, but so he would get glory for how great he is. Each strength uncovered is an opportunity to praise God.
Encourage Weakness
In your detective work, you will also uncover areas where your child is weak. Should you steer clear of those areas and focus on strengths? You wouldn’t want to threaten a child’s self-esteem, would you?
Learning to discover and embrace their weakness is actually a critical part of your child’s development. The truth is, we’re all weak and sinful people in need of a strong and perfect Savior. To be human is to be limited, and these limitations are gifts from God for our good. Remember how God gave Paul a “thorn in the flesh” to keep him from becoming conceited? Paul learned to boast, not in his strengths, but in his weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Weakness is the place where Christ’s power shines most brightly. And don’t we want our children to experience that?
So, encourage your kids in areas where they are weak. Let them fail sometimes, and don’t rush in to rescue them. Especially for kids who seem to be good at everything and struggle with pride, find things they are not good at, and do those regularly as a family. Consider it exercise for their humility muscles.
Keep First Things First
A good detective-parent will not lose sight of the most important question at the heart of all this investigative work. It’s a question of identity— most fundamentally, who is your child? This question goes far deeper than what they do, or even what their strengths and weaknesses are.
Your children are fearfully and wonderfully made by an amazingly creative God who loves them and has a good purpose for them. So, each strength and weakness is to be held in trust from God and used for his glory. Help your children see the good in their unique design, to submit their lives fully to Christ, and to seek to glorify God in the ways that only they can.
Coop Learns He Can
Coop dreams of doing big, important things like his older siblings do. He is excited to go off-roading with Joy, a Jeep, but as a MINI-Cooper, he can’t keep up. Coop becomes sad that he isn’t built to climb rocks and fling mud like his sister and wonders if the Bible verse they had been memorizing about being fearfully and wonderfully made applies to him. When Joy gets stuck and needs her brother’s speed and agility to rescue her, Coop realizes that God did give him special talents of his own.
