Fathers have a very important role in parenting. The Scripture says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
We know that some commentators believe that the word fathers here refers to parents. The argument is that the word for parents is used earlier in Ephesians 6 and the author chose a different word in verse 4 for stylistic reasons. We are not convinced. We believe that the purpose for the change in terminology was to highlight the particular role that a father is to have in the life of his children.
Our interpretation does not minimize the role of a mother. In fact, the book of Proverbs includes many speeches that begin with the words my son. These “my son speeches” are often started with a call to listen to the instruction of a mother and a father (for example, Proverbs 1:8; 6:20). Thus, the Bible is not calling out fathers in Ephesians 6:4 to the exclusion of the mother. Instead, it is addressing men in particular. It is quite possible that some of the same mindsets one finds in today’s culture are similar to the mind-sets of other cultures; namely, the temptation men face to leave the responsibilities of raising children to their mothers.
Some of this temptation is rooted in culture where men view themselves as providers for the home and women view themselves as caretakers. Admittedly, American culture today differs from what it was in 1950, but in our counseling ministry today, we often find it more difficult to talk to Dad about his parenting than Mom about hers. Why? Dads may believe that their contribution (normally having something to do with provision) has been fulfilled and the behavior issues associated with the children are the mom’s problem. So although many women work outside the home and contribute to the family in various ways, woman are often still expected to carry the load of child-rearing.
We believe the Bible speaks directly to fathers and exhorts them to be actively involved by taking responsibility for their children. It is possible for dad to bond with a baby, to care for a baby, and to be involved in the decision process at each stage.
The Bible describes the role of fathers using a series of commands. The first command in Ephesians 6:4 is “do not provoke your children to anger.” In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo lists twenty-five ways that fathers provoke their children to anger. It is one of the most significant chapters on parenting ever written. Priolo contends that most of the twenty-five ways that fathers provoke their children have their roots in poor relationships with Mom or with the children. (These relational problems also have roots in their relationship with Christ.) For example, children are more inclined to anger when Dad does not treat Mom with kindness and love. Without a culture of love and kindness between the parents, a child’s world is insecure and unpredictable.
We believe that many poor relationships between father and child begin with a pattern that starts shortly after birth. Dads convince themselves that their role is not very important in the early days and follow that pattern as the days pass. We believe that fathers who want to take this command seriously will seek to establish a healthy and strong relationship with their children from their birth.
Instead of provoking children, Ephesians 6:4 tells fathers to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. These commands, one given negatively (do not provoke to anger) and the other positively (bring them up) play a significant role in how the father will be engaged in the parenting process. It is important to remember that Ephesians 6:4 still carries the command of Ephesians 4:1 where Paul says to live in a manner worthy of the calling to which believers have been called. In other words, gospel-centered living for fathers involves not provoking and bringing up their children.
How does it look to live out this verse when a child is still a baby?
Celebrations
Dads should be involved in celebrating new things. Babies do new things regularly. They smile; they giggle; they turn over; they somehow manage to move into awkward positions; they show excitement; and they show various other emotions. Sometimes it is easy to ignore these moments or to see these moments as routine or unimportant. But what if dads were able to see those moments as opportunities to praise the Creator who made their children and designed them? What if that smile were seen as the wonderful plan of God in motion?
Rob can remember coming home from work many times and finding out that a child did something new. At times, it was not all that exciting. After all, he had a seminary paper to write; work to do; lawn to cut; and plans to organize. Besides, there were times (like turning over) when Rob would go to the child, encourage him to turn for Daddy just like he did for Mommy, and stand there to see it happen. He would watch and watch and watch. Eventually he would stop watching, lose the moment of celebration, and do something else.
All too often moments like this become the normal pattern for life. The child does something new and Dad does not really care. Much better is celebrating what the child did and rejoicing over God’s blessings.
Household Duties
Dads should be involved in household duties. If you read Tying the Knot, then you know that we encouraged engaged couples to perform their God-given roles. Husbands, for example, are to love, learn, and lead. These are nonnegotiable. However, there is also the way that a couple does life. How they handle the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the finances, the cooking, and all the other duties are open for learning and adjusting. The process of learning and adjusting is a journey. Many husbands and wives have found a great balance so that both husband and wife have meaningful and productive responsibilities at home.
However, we use the word journey for a reason. As life circumstances change, these household duties have to be revisited. Fathers should check to be sure that what was sustainable before the baby is sustainable after the baby.
Dad can consider and monitor how the birth of a child changes the responsibility chart. Some women will move from the workforce to being at home. In that case, a wife may actually take more of the household duties. Some will have time off and then return to work. Two different situations might require two different divisions of labor. Wise is the new father who considers what changes should be made in light of new and changing circumstances. Wise is the new father who sees this as part of his involvement in fulfilling his Christ-centered privilege in the home.
Childcare
Dads should also be involved in feeding, changing, and playing. I (Rob) remember when our firstborn came home. In our case, Stephanie was not planning to work outside the home, while I had a job and was going to graduate school. That meant that Stephanie did a lot of the care because she was more available than I was. In addition, since Stephanie nursed, it often seemed to me that I was of little value. It was not that I wanted to ignore my duties, but it seemed like I was an unnecessary part of the process. That was wrong thinking. Thankfully, God gave me additional opportunities at the baby stage to handle matters differently. What I later learned was the joy and fun of being involved in these moments as well.
We want to encourage new dads to participate. If Mom is nursing, then Mom will normally (close to always) be part of the routine for baby care. However, there are other duties to perform. Babies still need to be changed. Playtime is also a part of caring for babies. Holding your child, talking to them, and loving them are also important baby duties. Dad, you can, and should, be part of that process.
Dads who are actively involved in the care of their children are not just providing some relief to Mom by supervising playtime or changing the baby. Sometimes we hear dads speak as if they need to babysit their own children. Dads do not babysit; they parent. Allowing Mom to rest while dad takes care of the child is a worthy objective, but the primary focus is not giving mom a break. Dads who view baby care as serving their wives may still view the mom as the primary person responsible for parenting. This mind-set runs counter to gospel-centered parenting.
The focus is for dad to be involved in caring for the well-being of the baby. By caring for the child directly, Dad is actively applying Ephesians 6:4 and setting a foundation of taking responsibility for child-rearing.
Instruction and Discipline
The positive command in Ephesians 6:4 is to bring up the child in instruction and discipline. In order to be a Christ-centered parent, fathers must take responsibility for instruction and discipline. Instruction has many different forms and so does discipline.
Instruction could involve explaining something, showing how to do something, doing an activity together, or providing guidance while someone else does something. Discipline also has many different forms. Some Christians may equate discipline with corporal punishment, but we do not. We believe discipline can range from having a conversation to removing a privilege to assigning a consequence—and every step in between.
How might Dad be involved in instruction?
One example might be helping a baby learn to fall sleep on their own. You might choose to hold your baby or rock your baby to sleep on some occasions, but there are other times that is difficult to do. Let’s pretend it is time for bed and you have provided all the proper care—your child has a full tummy, clean clothes, a comfortable environment, and a safe place to sleep. But your child decides they would rather not fall asleep on their own and instead begins to cry.
It is unwise to let a child cry unattended. Circumstances may change and there may be a good reason why the baby is crying. One of our children managed to wedge his leg between the bars of the crib and he could not move. We have no idea how he did that, but he needed help and comfort. Other times, they needed a clean diaper or did not feel well and needed to be comforted. But other times it was an opportunity for instruction. Instruction and training might be as simple as holding your child, hugging them, reminding them that they need to go to sleep, and laying them back down. If the crying continues, parents may need to consider whether other issues are occurring. Parents want to train, but also properly care.
Our point is that one possible opportunity for early instruction is learning to go to sleep, and Dad has to be involved in that process. Discipline begins later. We do not focus on discipline at the infant stage, but one of the early opportunities for discipline is mealtime. As children grow, their desires are expressed in many ways. Mealtime often means that things are hot. A pan of hot water or a hot burner is dangerous. Food is a wonderful thing to toss across the room, or to give to the dog, or to put all over your body. Too often it is Mom who has to handle this. This sets in motion a family culture that fails to fulfill the worthy gospel living found in Scripture. These early discipline issues do not always seem important, but they set the stage for how Mom and Dad will function in the later toddler years when high-handed defiance, back talk, and expressions of sinful anger become more common.
Sometimes, new fathers do not see instruction and discipline as an important part of their duty in these early years. However, the more dads are involved in owning these responsibilities from early childhood, the more they will live out the gospel in their homes. An added benefit is that their wife will not believe that she is responsible for all the parenting.
Decisions
Dads should also be involved in decisions. There are many decisions that occur with a baby. New parents have to decide whether they will schedule or attempt to schedule a newborn’s feeding and sleeping. If new parents schedule, then they will have to decide how closely they want to keep that schedule. New parents have to decide when they will take the baby to church and how they will handle nursery. They have to decide how involved they will stay in their small group. They have to decide if they will continue their regular dates, and, if so, who they will allow to care for their infant. They have to decide when to take the child out in public and when it would be best to remain indoors. They have to decide who their pediatrician will be.
There are many decisions that have to be made, and each decision should have Dad’s involvement. We do not believe that dads have to make all the decisions. However, if Dad does not actively engage in decisions, then he may not feel like he is a part of the parenting process. At the same time, his wife may feel very overwhelmed if all these choices are hers.
I (Rob) had to learn this lesson as well. When our first child was born, I had a lot going on in my life. I often wondered if I had taken on more responsibility than I could manage. In addition, I am generally laid back. Some things do not bother me one way or the other. For example, I often did not have an opinion about whether our baby needed to go to the doctor, whether our plans and schedules for the child were appropriate, or whether we should go to a particular event. I thought I was being flexible. I thought I was making it easy. However, I was not willing to see that my casual attitude toward a lot of life decisions placed a lot of pressure on Stephanie. What I thought was making it easy, was in fact, making it hard. My carefree attitude about life decisions made it seem like I cared very little about her and her life.
What I had to realize is that I was not walking worthy of the gospel because I was too busy walking worthy of my idols (finishing education and working). I needed to care about these choices because that is what Ephesians 6:4 calls fathers to do. Then I needed to support those decisions by helping to implement them.
When Baby Wants Mom
One of the obstacles dads have to overcome in parenting is the big picture cultural mind-set that child-rearing is Mom’s responsibility. But there is another—when baby wants Mom.
Imagine it is nine in the evening. Dad arrived home at six in the evening after a day at work. He worked hard, did his best, and then came home and helped with a few duties around the house. It is almost bedtime, and Dad knows with certainty that he will be up at some point during the night. Mom fell asleep on the couch, and the baby is crying. The baby does not need fed or changed so Dad decides to hold the baby because he wants to serve his wife and care for his child. Here is a golden opportunity for some snuggle time with the little one. The problem is that this little bundle of joy will not settle down. Dad sits and rocks, but his efforts do not work. He stands and lightly sways, but his efforts do not work. Dad plays some soothing music and sits and stands, but his efforts do not work. Mom hears the baby and walks in the room. She politely says, “Thanks for caring for us, Babe. Would you mind if I try?” As soon as the baby is in her arms, the crying stops. Dad cannot believe it.
Dads often know in their heads that their baby spent nine months inside of their wife’s womb. Babies hear Mom’s heartbeat for nine months and experience protection and security inside her. Even though dads know those things, the reality that it is easier for the baby’s mom to calm the child still hurts the heart. Dads may be tempted to be angry, frustrated, defeated, and hurt. Dads may think, Baby only wants Mom so why try? A dad might not even respond to a child’s crying because he thinks he cannot soothe the child anyway. This kind of self-talk that dads have in these moments is not biblical.
We are encouraging dads to think differently. We encourage you to praise the Lord that your baby loves his or her mom so much. Praise the Lord that he gave you an opportunity to show how wonderful his grace and love are in the midst of a hard moment. The baby did not stop crying, but you did care for him or her in a biblical way. Then, do it again the next day. Jealousy over Mom’s seemingly magic touch will not help dads rest in God’s grace, love the Lord more, or keep his commandments—especially the ones related to parenting.
We encourage dads to engage with their new baby and not allow cultural norms or prior experiences to thwart a strong relationship with their child. There will be times when the baby wants someone else—likely Mom. That is okay. The more dads engage and the more they are involved in each aspect of the parenting process, the more they may live out the gospel by walking worthy of their calling.
Adapted from Tying Their Shoes: A Christ-Centered Approach for Preparing for Parenting. ©2019 by Rob and Stephanie Green. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the express written permission.
TYING THEIR SHOES
Through a gospel-centered approach to parenting, Rob and Stephanie Green lay the foundation for expecting parents to welcome a new addition into their home in light of the gospel. Soon-to-be parents will find Christ-centered hope, practical advice, and encouragement toward parental unity in this invaluable resource.
