In our home we use a short question to help guide our interactions with one another: Are you building up or tearing down? Meaning, do my words or actions give life or cause destruction? What am I communicating with my words, tone, facial expression, or body language? Is it building up my family?
Ephesians 4:29–32 (NIV) gives us a picture of what our relationships should entail:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
This passage gives us two inventories for assessing our interactions with one another—one of destructive behaviors and speech, and the other of self-sacrificial grace. We see how we are called to be transformed from the futility of our thinking and understanding to now representing Christ and his grace through personal interactions with each other.
We are called to imitate Jesus by giving grace to our family and speaking truth for the purpose of building up, not tearing down. The mark of a Christ-centered interaction is selflessness. It is speaking in order to pour forth his kindness and to imitate a glorious Savior. When we choose to treat one another in this way, we are giving what we have received from the Lord.
Healthy versus Unhealthy Words
In verse 29 above, we are challenged to not let anything unwholesome (unconstructive, inedible, lacking value) come out of our mouths, but only what is a constructive blessing. This is all for the purpose of bringing good to those listening, that they may be built up by our words.
The intent here is that God’s children speak to each other in constructive ways, with words fit for consumption, edible versus that which is indigestible, or rotten. If our words do not give grace and life to our listeners, they will fester and corrupt.
Years ago, there was a documentary called “Super-Size Me,” in which the director set out on an experiment to see what would happen when he subsisted on fast food for a full month. If you saw the film, you’ll remember it is enough to keep you away from drive-thrus for quite a while. The result is a sobering examination of how people feed themselves and the role the food industry plays in our culture’s habits.
In less than thirty days, Morgan Spurlock goes from being a healthy, energetic New Yorker with normal blood counts and good cholesterol, to an unhealthy man who finds himself regularly nauseous, weak, and lethargic. He is physically affected by the food he is consuming, and all the doctors involved in monitoring him urge him to stop his experiment.
What you find glaringly obvious from this experiment is that sustenance does not equate nourishment. Simply putting food into your body does not mean it is good for you or holds any redeeming nutritional value.
No Neutral Words
The imagery is also true of our words and actions. Not all communication has the same impact. How many families coexist for long periods of time living on “fast food” interaction—quick, surface-level, sometimes thoughtless interactions that keep the wheels of life going. Such interactions may be dismissive, rushed, or annoyed. Perhaps they communicate the necessities, but they lack any nutritional value. Such interplays lack any meaningful intimacy, any true revealing of oneself, or an effort to really know another. Maybe they include a cheap jab just for laughs. It’s definitely not a safe place for sharing a problem or struggle.
How often do we sit with our children and truly seek to know and be known? How free do our kids feel to share they had a hard day or to ask for help with a problem? How often over holidays or family reunions do we give pat answers to standard questions or maybe even add in political sparring? Do our words build up or erode our relationships with each other?
Our speech and actions are not neutral. They will either give grace to our spouse, our children, our parents, or they will lead to decay. Do we offer grace to the person before us or do we delight in finding fault? Are our words constructive or do they leave a bad taste in the mouth?
Christ poured out himself for us, and he calls us to imitate him through our relationships. The words we speak will either make Christ real to others or they will make him irrelevant. They will provide value and nourishment, or they will become a source of sickness.
In your homes and in your extended families, prayerfully consider how you can cultivate an atmosphere that celebrates the grace you’ve been given. You want to live with this kind of grace and you want to become this kind of grace in the lives of those you are closest to. In lifestyle that makes Christ central, he is our source from which all that is good and holy flows. In a world full of corruption and decay, may your relationships be a refreshing reflection of the water of life you’ve been so generously given.
Safeguards: Shielding Our Homes and Equipping Our Kids
Julie Lowe helps parents and caregivers teach the safety skills that will help protect their children from mistreatment, unsafe situations, violence, bullying, cyber-crimes, predatory behavior, sexting, abuse, and other kinds of danger that they might encounter. The safety skills that are needed at every stage—preschool, elementary-age, teens, and college-bound—are discussed and applied in an age-appropriate way.
