Identifying Our Parenting Idols

The concept of idolatry may or may not be familiar to you, so let’s make sure we have the same understanding of what the words idol and idolatry mean. Unlike the Israelites bowing down to worship a golden calf or carved image of wood or stone, in our culture an idol is not typically a statue. However, today’s idols are similar to the idols in ancient biblical times in that they are still substitutes for God. Quite simply, an idol is whatever rules our hearts, whatever we worship. Pastor Tim Keller says that an idol is, “anything more important to you than God… anything you seek to give you what only God can give.”¹

For some of us what is most important to us—even before God—are things like our appearance, accomplishments, or reputation. Or what we hold most precious might be our wealth, education, career, talent, home, community, or vacation. It could also be a relationship, perhaps with our spouse, a friend, and, maybe most often, with our children. An idol can also be our desire for safety, need for order, or drive toward perfectionism.

The list is endless. And at any given moment a new idol can pop up, which means we don’t have just one idol. We may be prone to a particular idol, but as John Calvin wrote in his Institutes, “the human heart is a perpetual idol-factory.”² Therefore, we are likely to have an idol of the day, even an idol of the moment, seeking to take control of our heart.

Parenting Idols

Defining idols broadly helps us to understand that idols can run the gamut of all things, big and small, tangible and intangible.

How might treasuring something above God impact our parenting? There are some specific desires that we frequently elevate to idol status that drive our overparenting and under-parenting tendencies. I know from personal experience that it’s hard to uncover what we are worshipping instead of God, but having our sin exposed is good and necessary. God already knows what is in our hearts, and he doesn’t love us any less because of it. His smile remains, his acceptance never wavers. We are also all in the same boat. None of us are exempt from sinful idolatry so I’ll kick this list off by going first with an idol that frequently hijacks my heart and mind.

Control

Since the essence of idolatry is trying to throw off God’s rule and reign to seek after what we think will fill us, we can see why wanting control above all else is the epitome of idolatry. When we live as if we know better than God how our lives should run and what will satisfy, then we have put ourselves in the place of God. Isn’t this the age-old story that started in the garden with Adam and Eve? All it took was Satan’s whispering lie that God was withholding good from Adam and Eve. And Eve swung into action, taking things under her own control. We’ve been doing the same ever since.

I imagine you too sometimes find it really hard to believe God’s control is best and he will work things out. What if God’s plan isn’t to our liking? Can we take that chance? It feels especially hard to trust God with our kids, which makes the idol of control particularly enslaving for parents. If we are honest, we think we know better than God, so we go to work asserting our control in attempt to secure what we think is best.

Often, interwoven in our plans is evidence of other idols. Safety? Happiness? Success? Other people’s opinions? Do these strike a bell? We want to ensure our kids’ safety. We want to secure our kids’ happiness. We want to guarantee our kids’ success. We want others to think highly of our kids and us as parents. We act as if our life depends on it.

Throughout my children’s lives and still today, there are times I struggle to remember and believe that God loves my children even more than I do. My fears and unmet desires for my kids get the best of me and I worry about what God may take them through or leave them in. Therefore, I find in parenting the need for praying for them out of a posture of constant surrender.

Comfort/Peace

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace and quiet; we all need downtime and rest. But when we demand comfort or peace at all costs, they too become disordered desires. My husband tells the story about sitting down on a Saturday to watch his college alma mater play football. He is a fanatic, I might add, and he will even admit that Penn State football is an idol for him. Our sons, who were little at the time, had been playing together nicely all morning, but as if perfectly timed to the kickoff, they started fighting. My husband yelled at them to “knock it off ”; when they didn’t stop, he erupted in anger. The last thing he wanted to do during the much-anticipated football game was deal with disciplining. This was before you could pause the TV! His emotional response was evidence that his desire for comfort had been elevated to idol status.

Another way we can live for the idol of peace is in the failure to tell our children no or set boundaries for them. Are we afraid to rock the peace? Would we rather not stir up conflict or discipline at all because that will disrupt everyone getting along or prolong us from doing what we want? Do we go overboard in catering to our kids to maintain a happy, peaceful household? For those inclined toward under-parenting, this may hit a nerve. But idols are false gods for a reason—they can’t deliver! The temporary peace you may gain in avoiding conflict or discipline will most likely produce greater trouble later. For Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (NIV). In other words, failing to discipline harms them, and can lead to much sorrow. It is worth the discomfort now.

If (or when) you identify in yourself the inordinate demand for peace and comfort, pray that God would enable you to “give up [your]self and [your] own desires” (Mark 8:34 NLV) and “count others more significant” (Philippians 2:3). As humans with an inward bent toward self, this is unnatural to us. We need God’s help. And perhaps the help of others too. When we bring our idolatrous sin struggles to light and share with a spouse, a friend, or maybe a small group, they can pray with and for us, and encourage us in the truth.

Success (Ours and Our Kids)

As with other idols, success is not a wrong desire, but making it more important than love for God and people and trying to secure success at all costs certainly is. To unpack why success is so important to us, let’s consider the identity we attach to success. What does success do for us? How does it make us feel and look, particularly as parents? For example, when my daughter was a young teen she was involved with theater and had the lead role in several productions. Naturally, I felt happy for her success and how hard she worked. But mixed in with that happiness was my sinful desire for my daughter to be seen as great, which I hoped would reflect well on me too! I was tying my worth to her successful performance. I felt good because she did well. Instead of enjoying her performance and thanking God for how he made her and gifted her, I made it about me. I made an idol out of her performance.

How about you? Looking to our children’s academic success, athletic or musical accomplishments, other awards, good behavior, and even popularity to tell us that they are good (and therefore we are good) will always end up leaving us unsatisfied and them feeling pressured. Of course, there are many valid reasons for tutoring, lessons, competitive sports teams, and the like. However, many parents sacrifice things such as family connection and togetherness, church, rest, and money, to give kids a leg up, especially when it comes to sports. While there may be scholarship opportunities and future dreams at stake, from what I’ve seen, many kids burn out and quit before they graduate from high school. Let’s not do these things unthinkingly because it’s what everyone around us is doing. Instead let’s ask: What are we placing our hope in? What do we value most? Where are we seeking identity and teaching our kids to find theirs?

Let’s also evaluate the effect of the reverse—the lack of “success.” Think about it, you’ve seen thousands of posts from parents showcasing their kids’ accomplishments, but what do we do when our kids go unrecognized, are unsuccessful, or flat-out fail? Certainly, we aren’t posting! Likely, we are justifying, excusing, despairing, and maybe hiding. Likely we also feel some strong negative emotions. Why? Because we’ve forgotten God’s smile. Our children’s lack of worldly success or notice makes us feel like failures. Their success is tied to our identity. And often, where you find one idol, if you keep digging, you find others too.

Other’s Opinions

Living for the opinions of others is what the Bible calls “fear of man.” This is definitely an idol we all struggle with. Let’s unpack how it is connected to our parenting. When our daughter was a teenager worried about her appearance, my husband used to say to her, “You are telling me that you care more about what a pimply teenage boy thinks about you than the God of the Universe who created you?” Phrased in that way, we could laugh about the ridiculousness of it. But still, she struggled, and we are no different. Too frequently the opinions of others hold more weight than what God declares true. This often leads to both our overparenting and under-parenting. How does that happen? Both when we over-parent and when we under-parent we are often trying to control how others see us.

Both are driven by a fear of man, although the audience varies. For the overparenting parent, this may include things like how we dress our kids, what they are allowed to watch, even what they eat. Why is it so important that our child have on a collared shirt or dress shoes? A bow in her hair? Or even match? Why can’t he wear a costume in July to the grocery store? Because we care what others think, specifically we fear their judgment! Or take food, do we restrict sugar or carbs or fast food because our all-organic mom friend may judge us? To our child’s later detriment, this very thing can lead to disordered thinking and behavior about eating. Because we see our kids as a reflection of us, we may stifle their creativity, try to get them to fit a certain standard of beauty or accomplishment, and lead them to feel less than when they don’t measure up—all so that we can look good to others.

Parents prone toward under-parenting can also care about what others think, but who those others are likely differs. Others may be their children or children’s friends. For instance, parents may allow more freedom to be seen as the fun or “cool parent.” With younger children, this may mean letting kids stay up way past their bedtime without media restrictions. With teens this might look like hosting a party and serving alcohol to minors. Or the others could be your own child. In an effort to be “besties,” you relate to your child more like a peer than a parent.

We can make an idol out of anything; so can our kids. But until we start to spot the idols in our lives, we can’t help our children see the false sources they turn to. Evaluating why we do what we do helps us identify our idols and subsequently turn from them.

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^1. Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope That Matters (New York: Penguin Books, 2009), xvii.
^2. John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, ed. John T. McNeill, trans. Ford Lewis Battles (Philadelphia: Westminster, 1960), Print [Institutes 1.11.8], 108.

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Excerpt adapted from Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years © 2023 by Kristen Hatton. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.

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