There are many books telling parents how to deal with the challenges of raising their children and navigating the various challenges of parenthood. I myself have written a few! But not much has been written to help adult children address the challenges they often face with their parents. In my years of Christian counseling, I have found that many need wisdom about how to handle various predicaments. Thankfully, God’s Word gives us the wisdom we need so that we can honor God as we honor our parents—even when they make our lives difficult.
General Principles for Dealing with Parental Challenges
Because relationships are rarely neat and tidy, we may face a certain level of frustration or complication in our adult relationships with our parents. Here are several key principles to keep in mind as you navigate various challenges.
1. The Lord comes first—don’t honor your parents above Christ.
Many people have been confused by Jesus’s declaration that his followers must “hate his own father and mother” (Luke 14:26), but our Lord’s similar statement in Matthew 10:37 makes his meaning clear: “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”
Sometimes parents pressure their children to go against what they believe the Lord would have them do. For example, parents might pressure a couple to raise their children in a family religious tradition that as Christians they can’t participate in. We once counseled a new believer whose parents insisted that she honor their family traditions by offering incense to their ancestors; she decided that she must obey God and not men (Acts 5:29).
Some adult children who sense a call to missions or ministry are pressured by their parents to pursue a more lucrative and prestigious career. We had another friend who had to refuse when his parents pressured him to marry a non-Christian (Deuteronomy 7:3; 1 Corinthians 7:39). Many children may be manipulated by fear of displeasing their folks or making them angry. We cannot give in to our parents (or anyone else) at the expense of pleasing God. “The fear of man brings a snare, but he who trusts in the Lord will be exalted” (Proverbs 29:25; see also Galatians 1:10). Our lives must be governed by our understanding of God’s revealed will, even when it displeases our parents.
2. Your marriage comes next—stand with your spouse.
When God established marriage, he gave the directive, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). God’s design for the newly married couple is symbolized in the traditional wedding ceremony, when the father of the bride gives his daughter away to the groom and then takes his seat next to his wife. Marriage creates a new independent family unit.
Some parents fail to respect their children’s marriage and try to exert excessive influence. Some parents have expectations which are inappropriately controlling, such as insisting that the grandchildren are educated the way they think is best. Others demand their children’s presence at every family event. Some parents disrespect or mistreat their child’s spouse. The mother-in-law belittles her son’s wife, or the wife’s parents criticize the husband for not having a high-paying job. One marriage partner can become embittered against their spouse who doesn’t stand up for them—or even worse, they may side with their parents against their spouse. Sometimes it may be necessary to respectfully confront your parents, reaffirming your loyal commitment to your spouse, and let your folks know that your relationship with them will be affected if they continue to demean your spouse. I have seen damaged marriages healed when one spouse finally defended the other spouse from meddling or critical family members.
3. Be willing to overlook minor offenses.
It is said that in war that you must carefully choose the hills on which you are willing to fight and die. There probably will be situations in which the best course is to overlook the minor offenses of your parents: “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8); “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression” (Proverbs 19:11). For example, if your parents let your kids eat two helpings of dessert instead of one and let them stay up an hour past their normal Friday night bedtime, the wisest course may be to be thankful that they babysat the kids and not make a fuss. Or, you may give a gentle reminder before the next time they host the grandchildren.
4. More serious offenses should be confronted gently and lovingly.
Be slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19). Keep in mind the exhortation of Galatians 6:1 for restoring others in a spirit of gentleness. Try to understand their perspective (Philippians 2:3–4). If your parents are guilty of doing something which affects your relationship with them (i.e., putting your children in dangerous situations), choose the right time and place to humbly and gently express your concerns and to offer reasonable solutions.
5. There may be some bad situations which are out of your control.
You will be grieved when your parents make foolish financial decisions or engage in unwise behavior. It is heartbreaking when parents engage in sexual sin or divorce. It is troubling to see them wasting their financial resources through gambling and extravagance. You may be grieved if they are selfish, not even showing interest in you and your family. You may try to lovingly correct them (Luke 17:3), but you cannot change them. Biblical wisdom teaches us to focus on that which is within our present sphere of responsibility, and not to be consumed with worry about what we can’t control (Matthew 6:34).
6. Remember that the primary issue may be spiritual.
The root problem with wayward parents is not merely their behavior or morality. Rather, they make sinful choices because they have a broken or strained relationship with God. Jesus teaches, “For from within, out ofthe heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness” (Mark 7:21–22). What they need is the gospel, which not only forgives us but also sets us free from slavery to sin and empowers us to joyfully obey God (Romans 6). We are equally in need of God’s redemptive truth to transform our own lives (Titus 3:3– 5). Pray for God to soften your parents’ hearts, and look for opportunities to share the impact of God’s redemptive work on your own life.
7. You may have to let them experience the consequences of their foolishness.
Paul warns, “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap” (Galatians 6:7). It is very hard to watch your parents walk down a path which could lead to bankruptcy, a broken family, prison, health problems, or even an early death. It can be extremely frustrating to try to convince a parent that he can no longer safely drive a car, that she can no longer safely live on her own, or that their wasteful spending will deplete their retirement savings. There may be hard circumstances in which you do not have the power or authority to stop them, in which case you have to entrust them to God.
8. You may have to intervene in dangerous situations.
If your parents are putting themselves or others at great risk, you may be responsible to take action. Ordinarily you would begin by appealing to them personally (Matthew 18:15). If they won’t listen to you, you may need to involve others (Matthew 18:16–17), such as other family members, their church leaders, a doctor, or even the government. For example, if your elderly parent who has poor eyesight and bad reflexes could cause an accident that could harm or kill innocent people, you may need to take steps to have their license and car keys taken away. If their home is unsafe or extremely unsanitary, you may be forced to take action or involve the civil authorities. It could even be that if you were aware of such a situation and took no action, you could be accused of elder neglect or elder abuse.
9. You may have opportunities to show them grace.
When foolish parents finally reap the consequences of what they have sown, they may expect you to help pick up the pieces. While it would be unwise (and displeasing to God) for you to continue to enable foolish and sinful behavior, you may have the opportunity to wisely help them. As you do so, remember God’s fatherly patience with you: “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalm 103:10–14).
10. Never stop loving them.
It is easy to love people who meet our expectations and treat us well. It takes supernatural power to love people, especially family members, who have treated us like enemies (Luke 6:32–35), to “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36). This is how God has loved you in Christ (Romans 5:10). This does not mean that you are required to put yourself and your family at risk for the sake of pleasing your wayward parents. It does mean that you continue to love them from your heart and to do good for them, so far as you are able.
Excerpted from How to Love Difficult Parents © 2021 by Jim Newheiser. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
How to Love Difficult Parents: Wisdom for a Challenging Relationship
Counselor Jim Newheiser understands the many types of challenges adults may face in their relationship with their parents, whether it be their parents’ financial strain, a struggle to properly care for their home or their health, conflict related to care for the grandchildren, or destructive relational choices.
