There’s one in every family or group of friends. You know, the one that is indescribably, intensely passionate about politics or exercise or clean eating. The evening is going just fine, then someone mentions “the topic” and everyone goes wide-eyed like you just said the name, Voldemort. All casual conversation and fun leave the room with a loud rushing sound, and the void is filled with awkward lobbying and poor persuasion.
Or perhaps it is a shared concern for a struggling friend or family member. While everyone is unified in their concern for this loved one, no one actually agrees on how to help them. Every time the name or the subject is mentioned, conflict breaks out. You can’t really ignore the issue but everyone’s impulse is to avoid it at all costs.
Everything seems fine if you just avoid that topic. You can be friends with this person, really good friends, if you just don’t talk about it. And though the actual topic will vary from family to family, from group to group, the dynamic is the same.
Each of our marriages has the same type of challenges. Certain topics are just hazardous and divisive. You could be having a wonderful date with your spouse or a comfy evening side by side on the sofa, enjoying life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And then out of nowhere that topic gets mentioned. Maybe the plot of the TV show you’re watching is about money. Or the passage of Scripture you’re reading together is about parenting. Or you need to have an important conversation with your parents, and you need to plan how it should go. You know what these topics are for your marriage. You already know one of those topics for us early in our marriage was communication.
Our relationships have the appearance of health until these “hot topics” come up. Then, when they pop up, all bets are off and the conversation or conflict or argument is filled with land mines, pitfalls, and snares. Sometimes it even starts going well and you both relax, only to find that the conversation takes a sharp turn downward. Wouldn’t it great to know about that before it happened? Wouldn’t it be great to keep a conversation on constructive tracks even if the topic is challenging?
This is where the tool of physical touch comes in. Just to be clear, I’m talking about touching that is purposely tender and purposely nonsexual. I’m talking about a connection that demonstrates you are for the other person and desiring to walk through this challenging topic in unity. I’m talking about affectionate touching. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to grow in anger toward someone whom you are touching affectionately? If not, you’re in for a real treat and a great blessing to future conversations.
This tool serves husbands and wives in three different situations: when preparing for challenging conversations, when communication suddenly become tense, and when you are recovering from a failed attempt at healthy conversation. So, let’s take these one at a time and examine this tool together.
Preparing for the Challenges
Preparing for challenging conversations is where the tool of physical touch is most useful. This is a difficult tool to apply after an argument has already begun. If you’re communicating with raised voices and animated body language, you likely will want to swing back to the tool of prayer before continuing with this one. However, if you are about to enter a “hot topic zone” or even if you’re concerned that tensions could rise, it is a perfect time for this tool.
During these types of conversations, it is best to sit down and pray together—and touch. In our marriage, we are usually at opposite ends of the couch with Gina’s legs stretched out across mine while I hold them or we sit at a table holding hands. There’s no magic or special blessing hanging in the balance on how you do this. The goal is just to be touching in a kind and tender way.
Most couples find it is difficult to fight with someone they are tenderly touching. You start in unity by touching, and then let the conversation progress. If it is going really well, you continue touching, perhaps even melting into one another as the concern for rising tensions dissipates. In these cases, beginning the conversation with touching has provided a physical reminder of the emotional and spiritual commitment you’ve made to be unified and on each other’s side. The tool represents physically what you have hoped for relationally. But what if it is not going well? What then?
When We Stop Touching
Sometimes the tool does not work to prevent challenges. Per-haps you’ve plowed through the gentle obstacles that have been put in your way and tensions between you and your spouse are on the rise. This is where using the tool should kick into high gear.
You will find, often long before an actual argument breaks out, that you change the position of your body when you start becoming tense or angry. Agitation begins to set in, and you gradually withdraw from each other, separating hands or shifting so that her legs are no longer across yours. This is an involuntary physical cue that things are about to go downhill quickly.
When we stop affectionately touching our spouse, it is time to pause. Our conversation has begun to lose sight of its goal, and we are running off the tracks. Listen, there is no rule that says you have to continue running off the tracks. If your “hot topic” conversation has taken a detour through the land of conflict, every piece of wisdom says to stop right there. Remember, you will stop touching before the conflict breaks onto the scene. It’s coming, to be sure, but it is not here yet. There’s still time to remind one another that you are on each other’s side.
Couples who struggle with conflict in communication often lose the battle right here. Each party knows things are starting to go poorly, but neither has the courage or knowledge to stop it. Physical touch helps you stay a step ahead of your conflict. You will see it or feel it before it really sets in. In that moment, when you realize you’ve stopped touching, you have a choice to make: stop fighting so you can keep on touching or stop touching so you can keep on fighting. You are no longer mainly face-to-face with your spouse; you are face-to-face with your pride.
Your pride is going to tell you in a hundred different ways that you are right and your spouse is wrong. Your pride will demand justice and a full hearing of your grievances. But your pride is not the one choosing the direction of the next few minutes of conversation—you are. Your pride will not be convicted of sin later in the evening—you will be. And your pride will not be the one needing to reconcile with your spouse—that’s you again. Peace and unity in your marriage hang in the balance, and the choice for how you proceed is yours.
If you are going to benefit from the tool of physical touch, you’re going to need to have a conversation with your pride before finishing the conversation with your spouse. You will need to tell your pride to get behind you so that you can walk in unity in the power of the Spirit. You will need to slay your pride as you humble yourself, acknowledging your contribution in allowing the conversation to get off track. And you may need to do this even if your spouse does not.
Then you take a step of faith. Ask your spouse if you can pick up the conversation where you were before you stopped touching. Ask if you can hold hands again (or whatever form of affectionate touching you were using). Pray together for God’s help, and then continue your conversation. Or even take a break and pick up at another time, when the discussion might prove more fruitful.
Can you see that the tool still works even when things get a little tense? It flashes a warning sign you both need to remind you of your goal. It was the tether that kept you tied to one another. It was the very help you needed to navigate the “hot topic.”
“But Rob,” you may say, “we just had a blowup that created lots of damage. Can this tool help a couple like us?”
Touching in the Aftermath
There are likely going to be times when you blow it. When the godly goals you’ve set your eyes on become obscured and you say and do things you never thought you’d say or do. We’ve all been there. You’re not alone in your communication failures or in your regret for your words or actions.
It is so hard to come together and show affection in the aftermath of a sinful conflict. It is hard to hug or hold hands or gently kiss one another goodnight. You may share a bed that evening, but the space between you seems like a mile even though you’re in the same bed. Physically touching seems impossible.
I don’t recommend that you begin to reconcile through this tool. It is likely too soon. You will first need to apply other tools from this middle section as well as the closing two chapters of the book. How will you know you’ve been reconciled and the unity of your relationship has been restored? It is often not in the moment one spouse extends forgiveness. That may be the most important part, but it is not the clearest way to know. You’ll know when you can affectionately touch again.
In the aftermath of communication failures, physical touch is not the first tool for reconciliation. It is the tool that reveals reconciliation has taken place. Don’t rush this. If you rush affectionate touching in the aftermath of a conflict you run the risk of deepening the damage. This is exponentially worse when you rush sexual touch. Trust God. Be patient. Be humble. Exercise compassion and discipline in your relationship. Don’t rush physical touch, but do pray for it.
Ask permission from your spouse before going there. “Can I hold your hand?” “Would you allow me to hug you?” This may feel weird, but it ensures that physical touch is entirely mutually desired. If he or she says no or asks for more time, grant it. Remember, being patient not only honors your spouse’s wishes, it honors God. When your spouse is ready, thank God for it. Don’t take affectionate touch for granted. But remember to use physical touch at the beginning of the “hot topic” conversations because it is much easier to prevent the conflict than it is to recover from it.
Excerpted from With These Words: Five Communication Tools for Marriage and Life © 2020 by Rob Flood. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
WITH THESE WORDS
Every couple knows they need to talk with each other. Every couple knows they need to pay attention to how they can communicate better. This practical marriage resource by pastor and author Rob Flood not only explores why couples should grow in communication but addresses the “how” of communication.
