The desire to marry and have children is honorable and good (Genesis 2:18; Psalm 127:3–5; Proverbs 18:22). But like many good desires, the desire to be married can become idolatrous and ruinous if one puts that desire ahead of his or her commitment to pleasing God.
Tiffany was a college senior whose chief ambition had been to get her “Mrs.” degree before graduation. She was a Christian and was involved in both her church and a campus ministry. Tiffany set two primary boundaries from Scripture on her relationships with men. First, she was committed to not having sex until she was married (1 Corinthians 6:18; Hebrews 13:4). The other was that she would only marry a Christian (Deuteronomy 7:3–4; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14–18).
When Goals and Boundaries Don’t Align
But her boundaries were being tested. Because there were not many Christian guys on campus, sometimes when she was asked out by an unbeliever, she agreed on the condition that he also attend the campus ministry with her. None of these relationships worked out. When her mentor warned her about ungodly guys who would pretend to become Christians to date a girl, she decided to no longer date non-Christians.
So, for the past several months, Tiffany had been dating George, whom she met at the campus ministry. They enjoyed spending time together on weekends. Tiffany, however, had some concerns. George didn’t seem very interested in spiritual things, other than attending the midweek campus ministry meeting. Another concern was that George would get angry when Tiffany didn’t meet his expectations, such as immediately answering every text he sent. He was also often very controlling in other ways.
Her greatest concern, however, was that even though they hadn’t had sexual intercourse, George kept initiating long periods of heavy kissing and sexual touching. Tiffany felt guilty but told her mentor that she didn’t want to hurt George’s feelings by telling him to stop. Also, she was afraid of losing him if she didn’t meet his expectations. Furthermore, she felt that she had gotten so physically involved with George that another man wouldn’t want her because she was dirty. She was also very concerned because even though she kept dropping hints about engagement, George resisted all talk about marriage.
Setting Better Boundaries
While it is good that Tiffany initially set some limits on her relationships with men, her boundaries weren’t tight enough. It isn’t enough that a man professes to be a Christian. There are many professing Christian men who are not ready for marriage or perhaps aren’t Christians at all. Her mentor encouraged her to read She’s Got the Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle by Deepak Reju, which warns about men who are controlling, promiscuous, angry, passive, or unwilling to commit. George fits into a few of these categories, which indicates that he probably is “the wrong guy.”
Tiffany considered breaking up with George, but this would be very hard because she feared that if George didn’t marry her, she might never find a husband. The difficulty was compounded by the reality that their physical and emotional intimacy had made Tiffany feel bound to George. Tiffany’s main consideration, however, must be to please God (2 Corinthians 5:9).
The root of Tiffany’s problem was that she put her desire to be married and to please George above her commitment to loving God and keeping his commandments. Giving in to George’s sinful demands wasn’t loving him but rather was enabling his sin. Tiffany needed to repent, turning from seeking ultimate fulfillment in the wrong place (Jeremiah 17:5–6) and turning to the Lord as her first love (Jeremiah 17:7-8). She needed to trust that as she walks with him, he will meet her needs, including a husband if that is best. She must patiently wait for a man who loves the Lord with all his heart, a man who will draw her closer to Christ.
Trusting God’s Plan for Your Future
Finally, Tiffany agreed that the relationship was leading her into sin and that she must end it. This is an example of the painful, radical amputation described in Matthew 5:29–30. She also learned to trust that if she lost George, God could provide a godly husband in his time. Her mentor encouraged her to remember that if God could provide a husband for Ruth, a Moabite foreigner who had been childless in her first marriage, God could provide a spouse for Tiffany.
Her mentor also encouraged Tiffany to make God the center of her life instead of her desire to get married. For Tiffany this means growing in faith in God’s love for her and in the belief that his plans are good. It is scary for her to think that God might not have a spouse for her. But as she prayed and asked for the gift of faith, the Spirit helped her to trust God for each day and to trust that he would provide for her what she needed when she needed it.
Tiffany also needed to reevaluate her limitations on physical intimacy prior to marriage. God has designed the sexual union as a special blessing that expresses the marriage covenant and strengthens the bond between husband and wife (Genesis 2:24; Hebrews 13:4). The physical intimacy which is reserved for marriage is not limited to the act of sexual intercourse. God has designed other sexual touching as a way of uniting a couple and preparing them for full sexual union. Sexual touching between two people who are not married to each other can create a bond that can be hard to break (1 Corinthians 6:16).
Further, Tiffany needed to realize that physical touching may mean different things to a man and a woman. What a woman may take as an expression of affection and devotion might be experienced by a man as sexual arousal regardless of commitment. Our bodies and sexuality belong to our spouses (1 Corinthians 7:3–4). If one is not yet married, that person’s body belongs to their future spouse. That person should not give away prior to marriage that which will belong to that person’s spouse after marriage. When I was single, a friend offered a wise “boundary” for dating. He said, “Treat the woman you are dating like you hope the guy who is out tonight with your future wife is treating her. Don’t do anything you or she would regret in the future. One day you will wish that you had only kissed your wife.”
Tiffany could be comforted in God’s forgiveness for past sin while committing to wait for a man who would “flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).
Excerpted from Do I Need Boundaries?: Seeking to Please God by Learning to Say No © 2025 by Jim Newheiser. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
Do I Need Boundaries?
Counselor Jim Newheiser helps readers learn to use biblical wisdom when setting boundaries within their relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. Using real-life scenarios to teach us how to manage difficult situations, Do I Need Boundaries? highlights how our struggles to set limits in relationships are often due to having the wrong motives and offers a Christ-centered alternative to popular cultural solutions.
