Letting Go of Your Spouse

Right now, the one thing I don’t know how to do is let go of my wife emotionally. I don’t know what that means. Does that mean I stop loving her? Or to stop loving her as a wife, but just as a sister in Christ? Almost like accepting that it’s over until if/when God says otherwise?

I’m not sure I know how to do that.

— Ralph

When it was her turn to share, Sheri opened her mouth to speak but quivering words caught in her throat. The woman sitting beside her in our small group reached over with a comforting touch, but Sheri bristled and shook her off. When Sheri tried to speak again, tears escaped behind her raspy words, exposing the pain she tried so desperately to hide.

“I can’t talk. Let me just listen.” For the rest of the evening, she sat quiet and stiff, body tensed, holding back the tears threatening to unmask her broken heart. During the following week her solemn, sweet young face lurked in my mind.

Having grown up in Christian families and followed the rules, Sheri and her husband were not supposed to be in this place of upheaval. But here she was with two small children and a husband who had left two years earlier to find greener pastures and more exciting rendezvous. Gritting her teeth and bottling in her surging emotions, Sheri had put on a happy mask and continued trying to be the good wife and mother she thought she was supposed to be. She was now at a breaking point, but still she refused to release control. Even in that safe place, surrounded by loving women, she was afraid to let go and surrender it all to God.

But what do I mean by letting go? How do you do it? When do you know it is time? And why is it important?

In my marriage ministry, I probably talk about letting go more than any other principle. It is also the one principle about which I get the most questions. Most people are familiar with the song “Let It Go” from Frozen, where Elsa stands on the peak of an icy cliff, spreading her arms to the wind and singing about letting go of the secret heartache that has held her captive as queen. That may be the first image that comes to mind when I speak of letting go.

But the letting go I’m talking about refers more to letting go of your need for control over the outcome of your marital impasse, and surrendering everything—your marriage, your heart, your emotions, your mate, and your life—to God so he can bring healing. This does not mean giving up on your marriage. It means completely letting go of control over your situation and trusting God for the results so he can do whatever he needs to do in your life and the life of your spouse. It means grasping hold of the truth of Romans 8:28, that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (NKJV). Letting go means really believing this truth and completely giving the control over to God.

The reality is, when fighting for your marriage in the middle of a separation, letting go is the most important thing you can do to find victory. But it is also the hardest.

Our natural inclination is to hold on and try to keep control. We try to find answers on our own—perhaps by reasoning with the one who has left to show where he is going wrong. We read the books, listen to those who are wiser, and attempt to follow their advice. We do whatever we can to make things turn out the way we want, whether it is through confrontation, capitulation, or manipulation.

But for you right now, regardless of what you have done, separation is still a reality in your life. Your marriage is still in crisis, and your spouse continues to push you away. You probably are either falling apart emotionally, completely exhausted, or both. Maybe you finally realize you do not have the answers.

If this is where you are, perhaps you are ready to let go of control. For there is one who does have all the answers. God knows exactly what is happening. He knows what is in your heart and in your spouse’s. He knows the hurts and fears that prevent you and your spouse from moving toward each other. God knows exactly what needs to change for the two of you to have a fulfilling and happy marriage, and he knows the steps to bring that about. He sees the big picture.

You can begin to release control by examining your heart to see if you are hanging onto your spouse so tightly you have actually made him into your god. You may be afraid that if you stop worrying, you will lose every chance of saving your marriage. You may fear that putting your marriage in God’s hands will open the possibility that God may do something you do not like. Your fears and worries hold you to your mate. That small thread of worry, however futile, deceives you into believing you have a shred of control. However, the opposite is true. By hanging on, you give your spouse control over your heart and emotions.

On the other hand, if you put your husband or wife on the altar and give your heart to the God who holds the answers, he can guide you through the chaos and give you peace and joy.

Your spouse is not god. God is God. Your mate is not your life. He or she is only a fallen human being and cannot fulfill all of your needs. Your life is about God and what he wants to do in your life. Only when you let go of your spouse and put your focus on the Lord God Almighty will you be able to move forward and find the good things he has for you. Letting go means surrendering everything to God, the one who intimately knows both of you so he can work in each of your lives to bring healing and give you joy.

Jesus said he came to heal the brokenhearted and preach deliverance to the captives. That is what he wants to do for you, but you have to let him. You have to release the reins of control and give them to him so he can heal your broken heart and set you free.

OVERCOMING THE FLESHLY PULL

But even when understand the principle, you may still find it hard to let go. The flesh wants to keep control. Romans 8:6 says, “For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace” (NASB). The natural inclination is to hold on, to try to be in control, to do whatever possible to make things turn out the way you want. “Letting go” is the opposite of what you are inclined to do. It takes spiritual muscle developed by looking to God on a continual, day-to-day basis and focusing on him while taking your focus off your mate and off your circumstances. Setting your mind on the Spirit by letting go will free you from the raging emotions and conflicted thoughts that hold you captive. If you are struggling with letting go, what can help you overcome the fleshly pull? How do you give those control reins over to God?

What you focus on expands. Allowing your thoughts to wander to your spouse affects your feelings. Consequently, in letting go it is important to surrender both your thoughts and emotions to God along with your will and desires. Since whatever you are feeling usually springs from your thoughts, focusing your thoughts on God instead of thinking about your partner can move you to a more positive place.

When you start thinking, But what if she does this? Or maybe if I do that, he’ll . . . (fill in the blank), you may be wresting the control reins from God once again and trying to figure it out yourself. Whenever you start thinking about your spouse, pray for him instead. Surrender your mate to God once again. Then move on to something else.

If you have trouble keeping your thoughts focused on God and off your spouse, be intentional about your surroundings and how you occupy your mind.

Here are a few practical ways to let go:

• Listen to praise music. Pour your heart into the praise songs. Sing along with the words to involve more of your mind and keep your heart pure.
• Spend more time at church. Some of my most profound and meaningful experiences of “letting go” happened during praise and worship services at my church. When the congregation sang, “You’re all I want; you’re all I ever needed,” the words captured my heart, and I fully realized their truth. God was all I needed. I meant it. And I truly let go.
• Listen to Bible teachers to feed your mind and heart with godly wisdom.
• Read Christian books to enlarge your perspective and keep hope alive.
• Read the Bible and meditate on Scripture passages. Put Scriptures around on your walls, mirror, and refrigerator so God can keep your mind on him. Find a Scripture that speaks to your heart and repeat it over and over to yourself whenever you are tempted to become obsessed with thinking about your spouse. When you are truly in pain, immersing your heart and mind in the Word of God and praying at gut level sometimes feeds your heart more naturally so you can go deeper to find that wonderful “peace beyond understanding” that truly satisfies.
• Begin journaling your thoughts and feelings. During my husband’s and my separation (and other difficult times when my emotions have been in a whirl), writing down my thoughts and feelings and seeing them on paper freed me from the burden of carrying them around. Pouring out my heart made me feel better and gave me relief. The problem had not changed, but I was at peace. Whenever I write these thoughts and feelings in the form of a prayer, it becomes a concentrated time with God.
• You can also redirect your thoughts by helping someone else going through rough times. Focusing on the needs of others prevents your mind from dwelling on your spouse and circumstances and interrupts those feelings that lead into an undertow of despair.

THE POINT OF SURRENDER

One night at dinner with some women from my marriage class, Marcela brought up the subject of letting go and what a difference it had made for her in dealing with the problems in her marriage. The young woman sitting beside me knit her brow with a perplexed expression and frowned. “I get right to the point of being able to let go,” she said, pinching her fingers together as though about to drop something. “And then . . . I just can’t do it.”

For some people, that final act of faith is so difficult. They want the “freedom that’s offered. But to reach out and grasp it, they have to let go of what’s already in their hands. And they just can’t do it. Even though it means the fleshly nature will reign instead of God’s will, many people find it difficult to trust God enough to put their lives in his hands. The desire to be in control holds sway.

But God, who created each of us, who created our world, who is omnipotent and sees everything, understands what’s happening. He has answers we do not have. He knows your spouse inside and out, and he knows you. God loves you and will take care of you. Put your spouse and circumstances on the back burner. Put your complete focus on God. He will lead you, teach you, and give you the strength you need for the journey.

Letting go isn’t easy; it takes perseverance and a daily surrender to the God who is the Alpha and Omega and the First and the Last—who holds all things together in his almighty hands. As you surrender it all to him, hold onto the promise of Romans 8:28, being confident that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (NKJV). Each morning, as you fasten your gaze on the Savior, let go once again and allow him to strengthen you for the day ahead.

After you have let go and entrusted everything into God’s hands, God can take the crumbling ruins and build something new on the foundations of your life. A new freedom and joy will begin to unfold as God shows you the new you . . . the you he created you to be and the future he has for you.

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Excerpted from Fighting for Your Marriage While Separated: A Practical Guide for the Broken Hearted © 2019 by Linda W. Rooks. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.

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